Ditch Finale To Hit Shelves

The year’s most anticipated CD, the final show at The Ditch, recorded live December 31st, 2015, is due to hit the shelves next week with band members expected to sign copies at undisclosed locations. Needless to say, fans are already gearing up. Pay and Pay announced it pre-sold its entire stock before it was even ordered. Take It N Git has ordered a hundred CDs. And Barnswallow Studios, due to close its doors February 1st, has been swamped with requests.

“If we knew it was gonna be this much of a hit we woulda stayed open,” said Barnswallow owner, Earl Boykins. “Mandy’s probably thinking the same thing.”

Fans have even been bugging individual band members who are sworn to secrecy about the locations they’ll be at to sign autographed copies.

“It’s been crazy,” said Dex Strongarm who took a one-night hiatus from Possum N Taters to join Doc Longsleeves on drums for the venue’s finale. “I’ve got hecklers at Possum asking where we’ll be signing the CD.”

And the excitement is not unwarranted.

The CD, which includes an insert tribute to Dooley the revered ADRD bass player who many believe will return from the dead, brilliantly captures the verve and chaos of that final evening and the very spirit of a club that stood for years as the throbbing heartbeat of Flubug’s drug-addled entertainment scene.

“In many ways it sums up the whole history of The Ditch,” said a teary-eyed Mandy Manley. “It was the first and last place everybody ever went.”

From the first strains of “Oxy Lady” to the last sobs of “Auld Lang Syne” sung by Weekend Jones with Debra and Joplin on empty Faust bottles, you immediately realize you’re in the presence of a historic release.

And the evening was unforgettable.

Raven completely sold out of Villenueva meth before midnight. Snow White Trash was thrown from the men’s room window for offering sexual favors. Amber “da Bammer” Carz wrestled Shorty to the ground and demanded to know if he was smuggling nail guns. Firebug lit the janitor’s closet on fire and threw gas cans into the crowd. Gwen had her dream catcher stolen. Hope Faydz was barred from entry and can be heard screaming from the entrance during Gwen’s set, “I own every one of you! Ya hear me? Every goddam one!” Three Time Losers, furious at being kicked off the bill, showed up and began fighting at the stage. Hoot called for calm but was hit by a flying Faust.

Yet through it all, Dooley’s face was projected above the stage with his characteristic calm that let everyone know it was really okay.

“It kinda makes you wonder,” said one awestruck attendee. “Like if he’s dead or not. I mean, you can’t believe anything you read in The Bugle.”

The track list perfectly reproduces the performances. The mayhem can be heard behind the music exactly as it happened and as clearly as the sirens that spelled the end of the event. Even the police, who used a battering ram to break down a side door barricaded by a probation ATM, can be heard shouting through the crowd. It’s all here, beautifully mastered and faithfully recreated for your listening pleasure:

• ADRD – Oxy Lady
• Bruegel – Black Lice Dance #2
• Blubberpuss – One Man’s Couch
• CDC Boys – Federal Aid
• Driller – Frackin’ Sack
• Doc Longsleeves – Borrowed Yer TV
• Gwen – Worse Than You
• Hellions – Light My Fire
• Henhouse Explosion – Cage Free
• Hoot n Ellis – Sweet Muscatel
• J-Lok – Lodged Sideways
• Like Chrystal – Glasspipe Gigilo
• Ulcer of Talleyrand – Borodino Borodino
• Yellow Bus – Flippin’ Chicken
• Weekend Jones (w/ Debra and Joplin) – Auld Lang Syne

Even The Wolf made a cameo appearance, lowered by wires from the proscenium during Weekend Jones’ farewell just moments before the police broke into the club.

“It’s truly a classic,” said Jones, still tearful from the event and the loss of his sinecure. “It’s the end of an era. There’ll never be another club like The Ditch.” And he’s probably right.

The CD will be available in stores everywhere next week. Supplies are limited so…

Don’t say we didn’t warn ya!