The autopsy of Derbish “Dooley” Peckinpah, pop icon and former bass player for the self-described psychobilly outfit, Dr. Longsleeves, was interrupted this afternoon when members of a radical women’s anti-vivesectionist group called Condition Lavender broke into the coroner’s office and demanded his body. The women, waving banners that read, “Autopsy is Murder” and “Keep Your Calipers Off My Body,” cited the rock star’s history of comatose behavior and read a laundry list of unrelated demands before being dragged from the premise.
Interviewed briefly while being handcuffed, Annie Greensprings, leader of the rag-tag group, insisted the beloved rock star may not be dead. “He does this all the time,” she insisted. “Once he laid out on a bathroom floor for a week. We didn’t know what to do. But we sure as hell didn’t cut him open!”
Dooley’s widow, Miranda, echoed her sentiments. “It’s torture, pure and simple. And according to our president, ‘we do not torture.’ All we know is that Dooley’s not dead and we won’t quit until we have him back!”
Pressed about Peckinpah’s condition, Coroner Pete Jarinowski―never short on graphic detail― remained adamant. “Dead is dead,” he huffed. “Nobody likes to see their loved one disfigured until they look like an extra from Night of the Living Dead. But there’s nothing I or anyone else in this office can do. I’m not Lazarus, you know.”
The autopsy is scheduled to resume tomorrow at 2pm. Members of the Condition Lavender organization will be arraigned in Judge Knockspur’s District Court on Monday morning.