Flubug Police have detained two Nailyard men in connection with an assault last night outside the infamous Ditch nightclub, which left “Shorty” with three nails in his head . The incident, which eyewitnesses say coincided with a performance by the controversial Nailyard band, RottGutt, brings to five the number of nail gun incidents within blocks of the controversial club (found under the Scene Section of The Bugle) and underscores the escalating trend in Nailyard-related violence.
Details of the assault are still sketchy, but police say the suspects, disguised as RottGutt security personnel, attacked a Check N’ Pay employee with an air-powered nail gun, the weapon of choice for Nailyard thugs. The victim, Jerry Darmiento, best known as “Shorty,” complained briefly of headaches before finishing his shift but was unable to identify his assailants (or even the correct year) as late as this morning. He was last seen wandering the alley behind Wild Bill’s with a plate of menudo.
Officials are still piecing together the evidence but they’re treating the assault as the latest in a spate of nail gun attacks which have followed Amber “da Bammer’s” disqualification from the State Wrestling Finals. Amber, whose father and coach Nick Carz vowed “total war” with Nailyard when she was disqualified for packing zinc in her gloves, was the hands-on favorite to win the state finals this year. She was also a shoe-in for “Bonfire Queen,” a title she’s held without contenders since the last two fled. Her disqualification was a shock to most Flubuggers, who had already placed their bets, and resurrected old feuds thought forgotten (since January) between the two jurisdictions.
Despite the outrage, however, Sheriff Ramsey made it clear that further attacks will not be tolerated nor go unpunished. “Further attacks will not be tolerated nor go unpunished,” he said, reading from a hastily prepared teleprompter. “And the perpetrators, now in custody…. will…. be…….. prosecuted…. to…. (“hurry up, ya sonofabitches,” he said in an unscripted moment) “to the fullest extent of the law.”
Those perpetrators, according to Flubug Police, are Zook and Brif Gunther of Nailyard, and they’ve been charged with assault and operating a power tool with city limits and may face additional charges if retroactive ordinances can be passed.
Police officials were reluctant to speak with us on-the-record, but Lieutenant Wilbur Saggory agreed to talk to us anonymously. Lt. Saggory stated off the record: “About 1:30, J.W. Dant, the singer for this RottGutt outfit, left the stage during a long guitar solo to cash a fourth party traveler’s check at the Check N’ Pay. Dant became furious when Shorty demanded the store’s usual 169% convenience fee and a shouting match ensued. That match moved into the street and patrons from The Ditch quickly formed a crowd. Some began pushing. Others started yelling. At some point Zook or Brif got off three to four rounds from a late model XL-350 Balto-Matic nail gun and the nails met no resistance when they reached Shorty’s head.”
Tensions were certainly high that evening. RottGutt opened their set with a snarling, provocative cover of Flublind Carter’s “Why Doncha Go Back to Nailyard?” which led to scuffles between drunken “Nail heads” and their methed-up Flubug counterparts.
But it’s unfortunate that Shorty got in the way. It’s also unfortunate that Shorty’s employer, Check N Pay, took the easy way out by agreeing to “forego their moral imperative and pay for any and all contraceptives needed for his treatment” while terminating his employment. The last thing Shorty needs right now are contraceptives (the first being a claw hammer). Shorty needs a job. And, judging from the recklessness he showed by eating menudo at Wild Bills’s, he probably needs a bodyguard.
We’re glad Zook and Brif Gunther are behind bars. We only wish there was a way to jail those whose violent rhetoric creates these monsters. Until then, the only winners will be the Balto-Matic Nail Gun Co. and Wild Bills.