Swine Pandemic Linked To Human Flu

Downer Pigs

Epidemiologists at the Center for Disease Control in Stateline have confirmed three more cases of human flu in Hormel’s swine population and have warned farmers to take action or risk widescale pandemic. Many farmers have already placed masks on their hogs or added Tamiflu to their slop.

But the response may be too late.

Joe Burst, who owns a pig farm south of the Nafta Superhighway, says he’s lost ten pigs in just one week. “We lose pigs all the time but most of ’em’s downer pigs. Downer pigs save us money ‘cuz we can ship ‘em without zappin’ ‘em first. But this here’s a different story. These pigs is dyin’ faster ‘n we can get ‘em to market. And that ain’t no joke.’”

Zach Putzman, ex-prize fighter turned hog farmer, sees a similar pattern. “I got pigs droppin’ like bat shit out here. And it ain’t from the heat. Most of ’em makes it to market. But now folks won’t take ’em on accounta this epidermic nonsense. Since when’s a sick pig ever stopped folks from buyin’ pork? The damn media’s done whipped everyone into a frenzy!”

CDC BoysHow long Zach or other farmers can withstand this assault is unclear. Nikki Bartlett, epidemiologist with the CDC and co-founder of the local bluegrass outfit, Center for Disease Control Boys, thinks not very long. “This flu is being spread from humans to pigs, not the other way around. And it’s spreading fast. In my view, the only answer is to remove the humans and let nature take its course.”

But Joe Burst says that solution is unthinkable. “I ain’t leavin’ my pigs for no pencil-neck bureaucrat. If they wants my hogs, they’ll have to pry ’em from my cold, dead fingers!”

And don’t expect help from lawmakers.

State agriculture officials are scheduled to take up the issue this week, but the Hormel Pig Lobby is already on top of the situation. Reports of free lap dances at the Tres Frais for members of the State Agriculture Committee are rampant and fueling speculation that the committee may delay action pending further delay.

Becky Landgrab, a stripper who performs at the Tres Frais when not soliciting outside Horseman’s Park Motel, says dancers were informed last week that customers with special “hog-shaped” tickets would be given “special treatment,” including free lap dances, stunted grape champagne and “and anything else they want.”

Unfortunately Ms. Landgrab was shot seven times in the back several hours after she gave her statement to the press. Stateline police have declared her death a suicide.

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Swine Pandemic Tied to Human Flu

Hormel – Epidemiologists at the CDC in Atlanta have confirmed three more cases of human flu in Hormel’s swine population and are warning farmers to take further action or risk a widescale pandemic. Already in Hormel many have placed masks on their pigs or added Tamiflu to their slop, but for some herds the response may be too late.

Joe Burst, who owns a pig farm just south of the Nafta Superhighway, says he’s lost ten hogs in a week. “We gets downer pigs like anyone else and it ain’t usually no big deal. Fact, we saves money ‘cause we can ship ‘em out without zappin’ ‘em first. But this here’s a diff’ernt story. These pigs is dyin’ faster ‘n we can get ‘em to market.”

Zach Putzman sees a similar pattern. “I got pigs droppin’ like bat shit out here, and it ain’t from the heat. I prob’ly I shoulda kept my wife in bed when she had that hundred ‘n four fever. But what are ya gonna do? I’m runnin’ a pig farm out here not a rest home.”

How long that farm, and many others, can withstand this viral assault is still unclear. Nikki Bartlett, epidemiologist with the CDC and guitarist for local bluegrass outfit, Center for Disease Control Boys, thinks not very long. “It’s clear this disease is spread from humans to pigs, and it’s spreading fast. In my view, the only answer is to remove the humans and let nature take its course.”

For Joe Burst, however, that solution could mean ruin. “I ain’t leavin’ my pigs ‘til you pry them from my cold, dead hands!” he said defiantly. “An’ that goes double fer ever’ damn farmer in these parts.”

State agriculture officials will decide this week what actions need to be taken.