Blizzard Cripples Poison Wells

snowy-road-to-poison-wellsPoison Wells – Much of Northeast Down County is paralyzed under blizzard conditions this evening as Winter Storm Dong continues to pummel the area with heavy snows and near-hurricane force winds. Accumulations of up to ten feet have been reported at the Quagmire Summit and Watersbad Canyon Pass. Whiteout conditions persist throughout the region. F-80 has been closed to all but emergency personnel, many of whom have seized the opportunity to loot stranded vehicles to fund Christmas parties.

Power outages are widespread, a trend which began when GEPCO merged all utility services in Down County, and officials say it may be weeks, even months, before the firm has enough interest to send crews to the area.

poison-snow-plowMakeshift plows have been sent  from neighboring Vermouth to Poison Wells, a move thought to be indicative of thawing relations. But Poison Wells’ Selectman “Two Buck Chuck” characterized the gesture as “hollow.”

“If they really want to help, why not send real plows instead of shovels duct taped to compacts?”

The FluCross and area businesses have set up shelters for local residents at affordable prices. Other businesses, like Rilesville’s Bloody Dagger have chosen to remain open. Dagger proprietor, Reece Blacksmith (“Blacky”) characterized his decision as “a no brainer,” saying, “after six or eight Fausts these guys don’t give a rat if they’re snowed in.”

GEPCO adMeterologists at the Balto Weather Center, who’ve correctly predicted 6 of the last 514 blizzards, say the storm should subside “within a week” and suggest area residents “bundle up” because “it’s gonna get cold.”

But Gray Halsey, the BWC meterologist suspended for basing predictions on 1979 weather data from a defunct satellite, claims this is only the beginning.

“Tree ring samples taken from Poison Pines in the region suggest that Northeast Down County is entering a New Ice Age. If my calculations are correct, the area will be covered in a mile high ice by February.”

Halsey, who suffered a momentary concussion when he was hit with a blunderbuss in last year’s Civil War enactment in Eunice, also said last year’s sighting of a pterodactyl in Nailyard and the discovery of the Titanic in Tanwater Lake are in line with his predictions.

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Death Toll Soars in Quagmire

 

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The death toll in Quagmire continues to rise as plague spreadsBird Flu ad unabated through the region. In just three short months, a quarter of the population (pegged at 27 adults the last time census workers felt safe enough to count) has died of the illness that now threatens all of Down County.

Aid workers, a lunatic and six convicts, insist they’re overworked, under staffed and untrained to deal with the deadly virus. Many have threatened to walk off the job unless agreement is reached to ship basic humanitarian supplies (morphine and a hypodermic) to area hospitals. Others have left to care for loved ones or flee to the surrounding Miasma foothills.

Addressing the disaster, Quagmire mayor, Franklin Delano Bwanghana, whose fireside chats have won him the praise of critics who earlier chastised his move to Rilesville, appealed to Down County’s Health and Human Services Director, Ethel Axelroot, for assistance.

“I need cash and I need it now,” Bwanghana said. “And I need a plane out of this hellhole.”

But by week’s end agreement with HHS seemed far from certain.

ethel-axelroot-HHS-Director“We ain’t sending cash, and we sure as hell ain’t sending this guy a plane,” said Axelroot, annoyed at being woken at two in the afternoon. “If anything we’ll send a deputy to see why he never paid for the last shipment”

The mood at the State Capitol in Balto was less confrontational.

“If we don’t give this guy what he wants there’s no telling what he might do,” said Poison Wells’ Selectman Charles “Two Buck Chuck” Sumner who ties the outbreak of plague to the county’s refusal to lower the minimum wage. “He’s got an army of plague-riddled zombies who know the wages and care are better in Balto. What happens if they come here?”

But according to Leyden “Ben” Butler, congressional hopeful from Pook’s Addition, that’s already happened.

“The Dem Bones employee who died last week had recently traveled from Quagmire to Hormel,” said Butler, stunning reporters who gathered outside his office for free bird wings from Moxie’s. “Flubug Memorial knew he was from Quagmire, they knew he had plague, they knew he was contagious. Yet they did nothing to protect the community.”

Calls to Flubug Memorial Hospital went unanswered (though that’s far from unusual).

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Plague Confirmed at Dem Bones

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Nafta Superhighway – Officials at Flubug Memorial Hospital have confirmed that a Dem Bones employee who recently returned from Quagmire is infected with bubonic plague. The employee, who “showed no sign of illness before he collapsed,” was rushed to a vacant lot near Flubug Memorial Hospital where he will be kept under observation until his ability to pay can be ascertained.

At a press conference held in a parking lot in Graphite Cornerz, to prevent anyone from discerning the hospital’s location, officials in plague masks played down the risks of deadly airborne viruses and urged the community to “remain calm.”

plague-press-conference“Let me assure you,” a muffled voice spoke through an odd-looking mask. “We no longer live in the Middle Ages. We can treat the Black Death.” A coworker nudged his ribs. “I mean, plague. There’s absolutely no cause for alarm.”

He pulled a cat from behind the lecturn. “And I think you’re gonna find these little guys indispensible.” He held the dazed feline by the scruff of its neck. “Cats are an important first line of defense for your family and friends, and if you haven’t already, you might head down to VetsMart today and pick up a dozen or so.”

The cat leapt from the stage.possum-ad

Fletch Kettlefish, back at his desk at The Bugle after starring in the 118th season of Possum, asked the question on everyone’s mind: “You mean cats are your only recommendation for addressing this major health disaster?”

Potential disaster,” added another official, stepping to the mike quickly. “And they’re actually not our only recommendation. Bloodletting, flagellation and Jew-bashing have come a long way in the last six centuries.” Continue reading