Plague Confirmed at Dem Bones

dem-bones_plague

Nafta Superhighway – Officials at Flubug Memorial Hospital have confirmed that a Dem Bones employee who recently returned from Quagmire is infected with bubonic plague. The employee, who “showed no sign of illness before he collapsed,” was rushed to a vacant lot near Flubug Memorial Hospital where he will be kept under observation until his ability to pay can be ascertained.

At a press conference held in a parking lot in Graphite Cornerz, to prevent anyone from discerning the hospital’s location, officials in plague masks played down the risks of deadly airborne viruses and urged the community to “remain calm.”

plague-press-conference“Let me assure you,” a muffled voice spoke through an odd-looking mask. “We no longer live in the Middle Ages. We can treat the Black Death.” A coworker nudged his ribs. “I mean, plague. There’s absolutely no cause for alarm.”

He pulled a cat from behind the lecturn. “And I think you’re gonna find these little guys indispensible.” He held the dazed feline by the scruff of its neck. “Cats are an important first line of defense for your family and friends, and if you haven’t already, you might head down to VetsMart today and pick up a dozen or so.”

The cat leapt from the stage.possum-ad

Fletch Kettlefish, back at his desk at The Bugle after starring in the 118th season of Possum, asked the question on everyone’s mind: “You mean cats are your only recommendation for addressing this major health disaster?”

Potential disaster,” added another official, stepping to the mike quickly. “And they’re actually not our only recommendation. Bloodletting, flagellation and Jew-bashing have come a long way in the last six centuries.” Continue reading

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Swine Pandemic Linked To Human Flu

Downer Pigs

Epidemiologists at the Center for Disease Control in Stateline have confirmed three more cases of human flu in Hormel’s swine population and have warned farmers to take action or risk widescale pandemic. Many farmers have already placed masks on their hogs or added Tamiflu to their slop.

But the response may be too late.

Joe Burst, who owns a pig farm south of the Nafta Superhighway, says he’s lost ten pigs in just one week. “We lose pigs all the time but most of ’em’s downer pigs. Downer pigs save us money ‘cuz we can ship ‘em without zappin’ ‘em first. But this here’s a different story. These pigs is dyin’ faster ‘n we can get ‘em to market. And that ain’t no joke.’”

Zach Putzman, ex-prize fighter turned hog farmer, sees a similar pattern. “I got pigs droppin’ like bat shit out here. And it ain’t from the heat. Most of ’em makes it to market. But now folks won’t take ’em on accounta this epidermic nonsense. Since when’s a sick pig ever stopped folks from buyin’ pork? The damn media’s done whipped everyone into a frenzy!”

CDC BoysHow long Zach or other farmers can withstand this assault is unclear. Nikki Bartlett, epidemiologist with the CDC and co-founder of the local bluegrass outfit, Center for Disease Control Boys, thinks not very long. “This flu is being spread from humans to pigs, not the other way around. And it’s spreading fast. In my view, the only answer is to remove the humans and let nature take its course.”

But Joe Burst says that solution is unthinkable. “I ain’t leavin’ my pigs for no pencil-neck bureaucrat. If they wants my hogs, they’ll have to pry ’em from my cold, dead fingers!”

And don’t expect help from lawmakers.

State agriculture officials are scheduled to take up the issue this week, but the Hormel Pig Lobby is already on top of the situation. Reports of free lap dances at the Tres Frais for members of the State Agriculture Committee are rampant and fueling speculation that the committee may delay action pending further delay.

Becky Landgrab, a stripper who performs at the Tres Frais when not soliciting outside Horseman’s Park Motel, says dancers were informed last week that customers with special “hog-shaped” tickets would be given “special treatment,” including free lap dances, stunted grape champagne and “and anything else they want.”

Unfortunately Ms. Landgrab was shot seven times in the back several hours after she gave her statement to the press. Stateline police have declared her death a suicide.