No Brain Eating Amoebas, Says Fowler

Water CommissionerAnd now a Community Service Message from Down County Water Commissioner Bunky Fowler on the brain-eating amoebas reported in Flubug’s waterways.

(the following statement is presented verbatim and was read by Commissioner Fowler over the phone from Watersbad Canyon where he’s currently rafting)

“First, I wanna a-ssure everyone that as fer as the CDC, Down County Water Commission and me personally are concerned, they ain’t no brain-eatin’ nothin’ in our waterways. And that ain’t just me talkin. That’s the CDC, Ol’ Spillchuck here and dozens o’ campers on the Miasma which is supposed to be Ground Zero fer the li’l buggers.”

“Folks, these here o-moeba things needs brains to sur-vive. And that might just be our savin’ grace. Like them space shows where the aliens cain’t cope in our envire-mint? These here brain-eatin’ moebas cain’t make it in Flubug without brains.”

Miasma Rapids from Watersbad Canyon“And that’s good news. Cuz I’m happy to report I ain’t seen one ioter o’ brains since I got to this hellhole, and I ain’t just bein’ nice to the folks in Watersbad Canyon. They’s just as brain dead in Poison Wells, Quagmire, Shilltown and everywhere else in this county! Hell, I almost feel sorry for the li’l brain-eatin’ bastards.These here o-moebas is gonna starve their asses off round here. An’ that’s just fine with us.”

The connection momentarily broke with the sound of a hand slapping flesh.

“But just sose ya know what the symptoms are if ya get bitten by one o’ these glorified fireflies. They starts with a sort of inco- incoherent babb – babbling where the person starts, s-s-s-st-tarts to st-st-stutt-er an’ goes off on tangents like the time my brother-in-law poached a damn salmon in his wife’s washin’ machine an’ tucked the dill ‘n’ lemon in the pocket of his truck drivin’ school jacket an’ got charged $80 cuz it stunk like a dead clam for a month and….uh….uh….he….”

The Bugle has momentarily lost touch with the Commissioner. We apologize for the inconvenience. We will attempt to reconnect as quickly as possible and will let you know when we’ve done so.

In the meantime, if you’re thinking of getting married (and you’re not gay), consider Poison Wells, the Honeymoon Capitol of Down County. In Poison Wells no one will know if you’ve been bitten by brain-eating amoebas.

What happens in Poison Wells, stays in Poison Wells!

PoisonWellsWeddings.com

 

Plague Confirmed at Dem Bones

dem-bones_plague

Nafta Superhighway – Officials at Flubug Memorial Hospital have confirmed that a Dem Bones employee who recently returned from Quagmire is infected with bubonic plague. The employee, who “showed no sign of illness before he collapsed,” was rushed to a vacant lot near Flubug Memorial Hospital where he will be kept under observation until his ability to pay can be ascertained.

At a press conference held in a parking lot in Graphite Cornerz, to prevent anyone from discerning the hospital’s location, officials in plague masks played down the risks of deadly airborne viruses and urged the community to “remain calm.”

plague-press-conference“Let me assure you,” a muffled voice spoke through an odd-looking mask. “We no longer live in the Middle Ages. We can treat the Black Death.” A coworker nudged his ribs. “I mean, plague. There’s absolutely no cause for alarm.”

He pulled a cat from behind the lecturn. “And I think you’re gonna find these little guys indispensible.” He held the dazed feline by the scruff of its neck. “Cats are an important first line of defense for your family and friends, and if you haven’t already, you might head down to VetsMart today and pick up a dozen or so.”

The cat leapt from the stage.possum-ad

Fletch Kettlefish, back at his desk at The Bugle after starring in the 118th season of Possum, asked the question on everyone’s mind: “You mean cats are your only recommendation for addressing this major health disaster?”

Potential disaster,” added another official, stepping to the mike quickly. “And they’re actually not our only recommendation. Bloodletting, flagellation and Jew-bashing have come a long way in the last six centuries.” Continue reading

Swine Pandemic Linked To Human Flu

Downer Pigs

Epidemiologists at the Center for Disease Control in Stateline have confirmed three more cases of human flu in Hormel’s swine population and have warned farmers to take action or risk widescale pandemic. Many farmers have already placed masks on their hogs or added Tamiflu to their slop.

But the response may be too late.

Joe Burst, who owns a pig farm south of the Nafta Superhighway, says he’s lost ten pigs in just one week. “We lose pigs all the time but most of ’em’s downer pigs. Downer pigs save us money ‘cuz we can ship ‘em without zappin’ ‘em first. But this here’s a different story. These pigs is dyin’ faster ‘n we can get ‘em to market. And that ain’t no joke.’”

Zach Putzman, ex-prize fighter turned hog farmer, sees a similar pattern. “I got pigs droppin’ like bat shit out here. And it ain’t from the heat. Most of ’em makes it to market. But now folks won’t take ’em on accounta this epidermic nonsense. Since when’s a sick pig ever stopped folks from buyin’ pork? The damn media’s done whipped everyone into a frenzy!”

CDC BoysHow long Zach or other farmers can withstand this assault is unclear. Nikki Bartlett, epidemiologist with the CDC and co-founder of the local bluegrass outfit, Center for Disease Control Boys, thinks not very long. “This flu is being spread from humans to pigs, not the other way around. And it’s spreading fast. In my view, the only answer is to remove the humans and let nature take its course.”

But Joe Burst says that solution is unthinkable. “I ain’t leavin’ my pigs for no pencil-neck bureaucrat. If they wants my hogs, they’ll have to pry ’em from my cold, dead fingers!”

And don’t expect help from lawmakers.

State agriculture officials are scheduled to take up the issue this week, but the Hormel Pig Lobby is already on top of the situation. Reports of free lap dances at the Tres Frais for members of the State Agriculture Committee are rampant and fueling speculation that the committee may delay action pending further delay.

Becky Landgrab, a stripper who performs at the Tres Frais when not soliciting outside Horseman’s Park Motel, says dancers were informed last week that customers with special “hog-shaped” tickets would be given “special treatment,” including free lap dances, stunted grape champagne and “and anything else they want.”

Unfortunately Ms. Landgrab was shot seven times in the back several hours after she gave her statement to the press. Stateline police have declared her death a suicide.

Swine Pandemic Tied to Human Flu

Hormel – Epidemiologists at the CDC in Atlanta have confirmed three more cases of human flu in Hormel’s swine population and are warning farmers to take further action or risk a widescale pandemic. Already in Hormel many have placed masks on their pigs or added Tamiflu to their slop, but for some herds the response may be too late.

Joe Burst, who owns a pig farm just south of the Nafta Superhighway, says he’s lost ten hogs in a week. “We gets downer pigs like anyone else and it ain’t usually no big deal. Fact, we saves money ‘cause we can ship ‘em out without zappin’ ‘em first. But this here’s a diff’ernt story. These pigs is dyin’ faster ‘n we can get ‘em to market.”

Zach Putzman sees a similar pattern. “I got pigs droppin’ like bat shit out here, and it ain’t from the heat. I prob’ly I shoulda kept my wife in bed when she had that hundred ‘n four fever. But what are ya gonna do? I’m runnin’ a pig farm out here not a rest home.”

How long that farm, and many others, can withstand this viral assault is still unclear. Nikki Bartlett, epidemiologist with the CDC and guitarist for local bluegrass outfit, Center for Disease Control Boys, thinks not very long. “It’s clear this disease is spread from humans to pigs, and it’s spreading fast. In my view, the only answer is to remove the humans and let nature take its course.”

For Joe Burst, however, that solution could mean ruin. “I ain’t leavin’ my pigs ‘til you pry them from my cold, dead hands!” he said defiantly. “An’ that goes double fer ever’ damn farmer in these parts.”

State agriculture officials will decide this week what actions need to be taken.