(the following statement is presented verbatim and was read by Commissioner Fowler over the phone from Watersbad Canyon where he’s currently rafting)
“First, I wanna a-ssure everyone that as fer as the CDC, Down County Water Commission and me personally are concerned, they ain’t no brain-eatin’ nothin’ in our waterways. And that ain’t just me talkin. That’s the CDC, Ol’ Spillchuck here and dozens o’ campers on the Miasma which is supposed to be Ground Zero fer the li’l buggers.”
“Folks, these here o-moeba things needs brains to sur-vive. And that might just be our savin’ grace. Like them space shows where the aliens cain’t cope in our envire-mint? These here brain-eatin’ moebas cain’t make it in Flubug without brains.”
“And that’s good news. Cuz I’m happy to report I ain’t seen one ioter o’ brains since I got to this hellhole, and I ain’t just bein’ nice to the folks in Watersbad Canyon. They’s just as brain dead in Poison Wells, Quagmire, Shilltown and everywhere else in this county! Hell, I almost feel sorry for the li’l brain-eatin’ bastards.These here o-moebas is gonna starve their asses off round here. An’ that’s just fine with us.”
The connection momentarily broke with the sound of a hand slapping flesh.
“But just sose ya know what the symptoms are if ya get bitten by one o’ these glorified fireflies. They starts with a sort of inco- incoherent babb – babbling where the person starts, s-s-s-st-tarts to st-st-stutt-er an’ goes off on tangents like the time my brother-in-law poached a damn salmon in his wife’s washin’ machine an’ tucked the dill ‘n’ lemon in the pocket of his truck drivin’ school jacket an’ got charged $80 cuz it stunk like a dead clam for a month and….uh….uh….he….”
The Bugle has momentarily lost touch with the Commissioner. We apologize for the inconvenience. We will attempt to reconnect as quickly as possible and will let you know when we’ve done so.
In the meantime, if you’re thinking of getting married (and you’re not gay), consider Poison Wells, the Honeymoon Capitol of Down County. In Poison Wells no one will know if you’ve been bitten by brain-eating amoebas.
What happens in Poison Wells, stays in Poison Wells!