Let’s face it. Private probation firms are about as popular as root canals. And most folks can’t afford either. But this week their practices came under intense scrutiny at the “Legislator’s Summit,” held each year at the Trais Fres strip club to celebrate the end of the (three day) legislative session.
This year’s summit, sponsored by Dickwadd Probation Services and the their legislative outreach arm, the EZ Read Bill Writing Council, saw representatives from across the county grapple with enrollment fees, per diem fees, administration fees (and scantily-clad dancers) for three full days.
“I must get a hundred calls a day about these firms!” groused Assemblyman “Little Putsch” Flanders (aka “Assman Flanders”), balancing a brunette on his lap. “Course, who’s to say if they’re good or bad?”
“They’re rapacious!” barked Assemblyman Brig Sideler, pausing to apologize to a blonde. “Not you, honey.”
“They’re out of control!” agreed Senator Lob Biskins, popping his fifth bottle of complimentary stunted grape champagne. “Course, I think we should study the issue more closely before taking any action.”
By Thursday the Pre-Approved Bail Bill – LB F206 – was dead on arrival to all but the most astute political observers in Down County.
But something unexpected happened. Mayor Ornery, who sponsored the bill and spent the last three days talking with legislators’ wives on the phone, announced that the measure had been revived and would be brought to a “full vote” as early as this March.
“I believe our elected officials saw the light when it comes to cuttin’ the city’s overhead,” said the mayor who seemed noticeably pleased with himself. “And who knows? Maybe them boys might need a little pre-approved bail they selves.”
The response was swift from Carlton Dickwadd, Jr. who picked up the tab for 181 bottles of champagne, 677 lap dances, 87 hotel rooms, 14 limousines and the medical bills for 16 dancers transported to an undisclosed thicket along Tanwater Lake after overdosing on various chemicals.
“This bill will be a disaster for Flubug!” proclaimed Dickwadd, speaking by phone from an air boat somewhere on Tanwater Lake. “It gives criminals a free pass on the off chance they’ll show up to court. It’s completely reckless!”
Communication was cut short with a crash (very much like) an air boat slamming into a rocky shore.
But Dickwadd may have outfoxed himself this time. Probation firms are hated by most Flubuggers and are consistently ranked less trustworthy than Yee’s appliance safety record. An irate public may well embrace the idea of pre-approved bail cards. In fact, the concept is already being tested in Lusher where DUI detentions, by far the highest in Down County, have dropped by an incredible 82% (which oddly corresponds with the number of alcoholics in Lusher).
“One of the biggest drains on our system today is the high cost of detention,” said Mayor Ornery. “And why are those costs so high? Because most prisoners can’t make bail.”
The mayor continued: “I’m not saying we should do away with excessive bail. But pre-approving folks at high risk for incarceration will save lots of money and clear our judicial backlog.”
That position is backed by many of the county’s legal heavyweights including Judge Emily Knockspur, District Attorney Mayweather Simms and Tab Ornery (who once knew a legal secretary). Pastor Fergeuson Jenkins is also supporting the bill, saying it could increase his take at Addition House of Prayer by as much as 70%.
Noticeably absent is Sheriff “Big Dog” Ramsey who rescinded his blessing after receiving an anonymous donation to his re-election campaign and, according to his brother-in-law (sorry, Melrose) a complimentary DPS coffee mug with the Dickwadd’s anti-pre-approved bail bill slogan on the side.
Also against the bill is Leighton “Laraboo” Washington who many believe will run against Mayor Ornery despite his persistent denials.
The full legislature is expected to take up the issue of pre-approved bail in a closed session at the Slopeside Country Club this March.