New Uzbek Minstrels Return To Flubug

New Uzbek MinstrelsThe New Uzbek Minstrels will return to Flubug for a rare, one night appearance at the Uzbek Social Club on the Nafta Superhighway this Saturday, March 26th.

The quartet, who haven’t played together since Akram the Dovul Player was arrested for cross dressing in a Bukara nightclub, will perform a cacophony of instrumentals in the Ferghana and Maqam traditions as well as hits from their new CD, “We’ve Only Just Got Dung,” a compilation of Carpenter’s covers to be released on the Mukhammed’s Goat label next month.

Their booking agent, Zarina Oybek, who won a brass medal for her rendering of “Markhor, My Markhor” in the 1997 regional Kush-Nagora competition in Tashkent, said the evening’s lineup will include such mega-hits as:

  • Ewe Lost That Lovin’ Feeling
  • There’s A Saygak In My Tent
  • One Less Palov To Grill
  • Take This Kabob And Shove It

And of course, their current smash hit, “We Only Just Got Dung.”

“We’ve only just got dung… to eat,Uzbek Social Club
Yak’s eyes and promises,
Some piss to drink and we’re on our way,
We’ve only just got dung-ung-ung,

Sharin’ lipioshka, just the two ov us,
Vatchink for chol’ra on the way,
Dreamink of plova, just the two ov us,
Cursink your father every day
Whatever…  …what-ever!

It’s all happening at the Uzbek Social Club this Saturday night. Admission is eight thousand soms ($16) at the door and includes a complimentary shot of quince compote, one trip to the World Famous All-You-Can-Eat Sumalak Bar and a chance to win a carved melon.

Oldik!

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Activists Claim Rilesville Monument Racist

stinkin-injun-pontStinkin’ Injun Point, the historic promontory that acts as a gateway to the Miasma and represents the single most important (and only) scenic attraction in South Rilesville (unless you count Muck’s Trading Post), has come under fire lately from local indigenous groups who claim the name is racist and demeaning, and undermines the strides they’ve made since being drowned to near extinction in the 19th century.

Chief Spraying Skunk, whose great grandfather, Seriously Spraying Skunk, served as the inspiration for Wallace B. Kochland’s historic monument, insists the Tinwawa have been treated “worse than skunks” in the years preceding and after his grandfather’s death and has formed a coalition of indigenous activists to pressure the Rilesville Board of Supervisors to rename the celebrated landmark.

kochlandThe monument, modeled by Seriously Spraying Skunk who was strung from a nearby tree with a revolving cast of skunks in his hand for the better part of six years, nearly killed Kochland whose rock climbing skills were compared with those of a spastic child. It was also said to have killed Skunk who collapsed four hours after being cut down still clutching his nose.

Activists with the Tinwawa Reparations Committee, hastily formed at the behest of the law firm, Ashe, Holder and Reemer, claim Serious Spraying Skunk was “never the same” after his ordeal and became “even more bitter” (if that’s possible) in the hours preceding his death.

mucks“No amount of money can undo the shame and humiliation heaped upon my great grandfather,” said Chief Spraying Skunk, holding a yellowed photograph of his predecessor at a news conference convened on the steps of Ashe, Holder and Reemer’s office. “But seventy-five million dollars would go a long way toward making this right.”

The Rilesville Board of Supervisors have yet to respond officially, but an anonymous source close to the Board (Garnett Blatz) said off the record, “I don’t know what these redskins are smoking, but they’re two sticks short of a bonfire if they think they’re gonna get any money from us!”

Stinkin’ Injun Point is open to hikers and campers seven days a week from May 31st through September 15th. Day mules and parking are available at Muck’s Trading Post on East Dagger Road on weekends.

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Ponzi Hut Opens New Outlet

ponzi-hutPonzi Hut, the casual drop-in financial chain that caters to math-adverse trust babies, has opened a new office at Humbert and Pencil Place in the heart of the WOPP District. The chain, recently cleared of securities fraud for selling shares of an alleged iridium mine on Easter Island, has a new slate of financial products that not only comply with the regulations enacted after the Great Recession, they sometimes approach legality.

“Dream-backed” securities (DBS), which bundle sub-prime appliance loans with child support payments purchased from Down County Protective Services, offer the chance at an 8%-10% return for those who don’t mind the risk. D-rated corporate bonds backed by the full faith and credit of high flying, buyback-fueled non-preferred stock, can fetch up to 12% annual returns. And credit swap derivatives based on a ratio of the 50-day moving average in volatility of Nick Carz’ racetrack odds vs. the chance Hope Faydz will go bankrupt before December 2016 can earn an astounding 325% return for some lucky gambler investor.

flubug-cemetery-adFor those less prone to take on risk, Ponzi offers a wide variety of investment vehicles tailored to your needs including Annualized Pension Annuity Trusts which fold your pension payments into a real estate investment trust that pays monthly benefits on an annual basis, extending the life of your pension by two hundred years. If you’re worried about your heirs, assets can be fully protected from taxation by transferring them to Ponzi Hut for possible distribution upon your death.

Any way you slice it, Ponzi Hut has something for everyone. Stop in today to see how Ponzi Hut can help you!

This shameless plug was entirely paid for by Ponzi Hut.

Little Known Asian Cuisine Comes to WOPP

paddy-waterAs the saying goes, ya can’t keep a good Yee down!

Tran Minh YeeFirst there was Tran Minh Yee who owns Yee’s Appliance Garden, Yee’s Fireworks, and directed a full length animated picture called Appliances II.

Then there was his first-born son, Know How Sell Yee, whose vending machines introduced the popular Dirty Water brand bottled water from Tanwater Lake.

Then there was his second-born, Knowe How Yee, who was tragically swept away during a daring Miasma crossing during the Tour de Flubug in 2012.

knowe-how-yee-ovalHis third son, a child prodigy, was also named Knowe How Yee.

Tran Minh Yee’s cousin, Lee Tran Mihn, runs (ran) the once popular Lunch At The Dump food cart at Down County Nine until an unfortunate permit SNAFU sidelined the project.

Now there’s Minh Chow Yee, owner/proprietor of the WOPP’s newest culinary hot spot, Paddy Water, the first restaurant to offer painfully authentic Myanmar cuisine.

Paddy Water’s offerings are little known (or even liked) in their native countries. Their signature dish, South Sudan Reed Fritters, were first introduced to (Burma) during the famine in 1992. At the time they were considered inedible. Yet their health benefits couldn’t be denied. Splenic cleansing, pancreatic chafing and trans-colonic irritant removal were all attributed to the nauseating reeds and were desperately needed by the people. In time they learned to choke down the reeds with an untreated river beverage later dubbed Downwater Tea.

stick-floatMyanmar Stick Floats were likewise despised by the Burmese and first used only on beri beri sufferers as an emetic. Served in a gouulus (glass jars) the “floats” consisted of mangrove roots, ficus sap, a brackish Salween River mix and bamboo, ground to near powder and traditionally served with lice from the fishtail palm. The addition of lice, outlawed in 2005 after an outbreak of gout, was thought to ease the harsh digestion process and has accompanied the dish since the ban. However Yee is offering them once again to a new generation in the WOPP.

Another dish steeped in Myanmar history, and sure to be a hit with WOPPsters, is Yemani Carpet Hash, brought to Burma by drifting refugees off the coast of Rangoon in 1958. The drink, similar to coffee, is made by infusing butane hash into cream which is then whipped wth coffee. The “coffee,” however, is different from your usual latte. Made with hot tea poured on actual carpet remnants, the resulting broth is a tangy romp through the fanciful nights of Alladin. When mixed with the infused hash, its said to evoke pious prostration, directional acuity and profuse sweating. It’s also said that only one drink can ever be had at a single sitting without angering the gods. But Yee scoffs at the tale.

“You drink. Much as like. More, even. No bother with silly wife tale.”

Paddy Water is just the latest offering in the burgeoning neighborhood West of Pencil Place and if the Yee family’s endeavors to date are any indication, it’s sure to be a hit with the locals!

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Record Crowds Expected at Civil War Museum

For those who haven’t seen the new exhibits that opened Feb. 6th at the Eunice Civil War Wax Museum, this weekend might be your best bet. Not only will the weather top 69 degrees, tickets have been slashed by 50% for anyone who can prove they were engaged in the hostilities. But even if you weren’t in the Civil War, it’s hard to beat $5 apiece for a chance to experience Flubug’s part in the War of Northern Aggression.

Curator Phillip Reed Chestnut, who says he was “frankly disappointed” by the showing on opening day, says he’s sure this weekend will shatter all records with revamped exhibits and authentic Civil War snacks in the Vicksburger Food Court.

merrimack“We’ve gone all out to make this year’s displays as authentic as possible,” says Chestnut, whose great-grandfather suffered a self-inflicted gunshot two days after Fort Sumter. “I think the results will speak for themselves.”

Some of the more intriguing displays are:

The Incident at Eunice Creek (left) in which Capt. “Two Step” Buchanan (the Dancing Admiral) and his crew on Old Tilesides became trapped in a space-time cube that compelled them to dance for three hours while their ship sank in flames…

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Rebel Without A Pulse, a little known incident not far from the Black Lung Memorial in which Gen Stonewall Jackson became possessed by Rasputin at a woodsy rest stop, faithfully recreated from Jackson’s own recollections dictated during bouts with bilious remittent fever in his  dubious memoir, “The Peasant In Me.”

robert-e-leanGrant’s Fume (left), the anecdotally-confirmed insult inflicted on the Confederates generals surrendering at Appomattox when Ulysses S. Grant expelled the gaseous remains of a bean casserole served earlier at the courthouse.

And an homage to Major Bruce Barrington, the first openly-gay officer in the Confederate Army, whose fondness for lagging soldiers inspired his troops to push far into Union territory and launch relentless attacks on the most entrenched positions.major-thang

After accepting a position in Antarctica, Barrington was awarded the Southern Cross of Honor in absentia in exchange for his pledge to conceal the methods by which he managed his military feats. In 2004 he rose to cult status when a novel based on his career, “These Colors Run,” rose to the top of the best-seller charts. In 2012 his likeness was commissioned by “Eunice Wax” for display in the Civil War Museum.

The museum is expected to reach capacity this weekend (according to Chestnut). So get there early. And don’t pack a lunch. $5 a head isn’t near enough to pay for these ridiculous figurines. Get a burger and fries, maybe a Faust, at the Vicksburger Food Court. $10 won’t kill you. Hell, buy a bumper sticker. Get a parasol for mom. A Boll Weivel Farm. Any goddam thing. You think we do this for our health??

Phllip Reed Chestnut contributed to this story.

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SkipWork Goes Viral

WebAnyone familiar with the Down County Board of Labor’s monthly statistics can tell you that workplace absenteeism is the hottest trend in local employment.

Capitalizing on that trend is Dylan Mocha’s latest app, SkipWork, which allows users to rack up months of gainful employment without doing actual work.

Using the framework of Debra’s 2013 editorial, Working from Home, Mocha has created an ingenious application that not only encourages absences, it lets users accrue actual wages without showing up!

That’s right. For a small enrollment fee (and agreement to monthly wage deductions) users need only provide their hire date, labor class, pay rate, work schedule, cancelled check and employer’s tax id number to start earning cash for missed workdays.

But there’s more.

When enabled, Office Alerts can inform you of project deadlines, status report due dates, performance reviews, impromptu meetings, social events …even picnics and awards dinners. No more tracking your Outlook calendar for events to excuse yourself from.

Worried about calling in with a crisis? SkipWork’s Crisis Secretary lets you choose from an array of pre-recorded background sounds to give your excuses the validity they deserve. Here are just a few of the background sounds available:skip-work-app

  • Crime Scene
  • Passing Sirens
  • Shelter in Place Orders
  • Medic!
  • Defibrillator 1 & 2
  • Terrorist Abduction
  • Arabic Threats
  • Crackling Electrical Wires
  • Nurses Chattering in Spanish
  • Hospital PA
  • Beeping Heart Monitors
  • Tow Truck Chains
  • Traffic Jam
  • Auto Shop
  • Flash Flood
  • 6 Alarm Blaze
  • Active Shooter

Those who upgrade to Pro can print erzatz hospital records, ransom notes, obituaries, death certificates, even tow truck charges with a single click.

mick-moxie“What we’re doing with SkipWork,” explains Mocha, whose SimWork already employs half the county. “Is simply elevating voluntary absenteeism to the level of involuntary absenteeism. Why should they be treated any differently?”

But employers, like Mick Moxie of Moxie’s Cup N Saucer, profoundly disagree.

“This little techno twerp has tripled the work we have to do checking and re-checking our employees’ stories. We’ve gone through three wren cooks in a month. Each of them showed up with the same death certificate!”

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Collectors To Bid On Rare Error-Free Note

no-error-billCollectors are set to descend on the HAAC tomorrow night for the chance to bid on a rare error-free $100 note that was thought to exist only in the dreams of numismatists. The note, issued in 2011 by the Flubug Merchant’s Association and financed in part by the Water Buffalos, is said to be the only legible bill that made it through the printing process. Every known note from this series is riddled with errors. Many were so badly smeared during the printing process the resulting bills came to be known as “smudgebucks.” Those that made it through the printing process were defaced beyond recognition with snide remarks, drug-related messages and utter contempt for our beloved Flublue.

smudge-billMuch of the problem stemmed from the ink. Instead of the traditional quick drying ink used in most mints, Merchant Association employees were given oil paints by the Water Buffalos. The resulting mess left fingerprints and ink smudges on nearly all the bills and doomed the project from the start.

Another problem were the presses themselves which would shift at the slightest touch. This, coupled with the fact that many of the employees were disabled, resulted in double strike errors in nearly all bills. Eventually a system was devised to run the bill through twice, but it was abandoned when it proved to do nothing more than compound the errors.

scribbled-billOver eight hundred bills were printed. Yet few made it into circulation. The reasons are varied, but most point to the fact that they were only printed in a $100 denomination, a product of overly zealous merchants. At the time, as now, $100 was beyond the reach of most Flubuggers. As such, the bills sat in merchant’s cash drawers until 2013 when they were distributed as unredeemable curiosities.

During the period of circulation, the bills were widely defaced. Some were used to wrap drugs. Others were used to making derogatory complaints. Many of the bills dropped out of circulation by 2014. In the winter of 2014 a rumor began suggesting the bills might be collectible. Those that survived were snapped up by hoarders.

The bill up for auction tomorrow night, at the HAAC’s yearly Coins N Currency Show, is expected to draw collectors from all over Down County. Some will come to see what the bill should have looked like. Others will come to bid. One lucky Flubugger will go home with the note, and a unique piece of Flubug history.

Catch ya at the HAAC!

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Sunday Review: Eunice Civil War Wax Museum

eunice-civil-war-wax-museumAnyone who made it past the fifth grade knows the Second Battle of Eunice. You may not remember the particulars, but you certainly know the basics.

On the evening of May 14, 1863 a drunken Union platoon staggered through the Eunice rye fields in search of whiskey and provisions. The platoon was commanded by First Lieutenant Randolph “Pinto” Forde who was tipped off that saws and raw opium were stashed in a local farmhouse and would be bound for Vicksburg the next day.

He was determined to find that stash.

disfigure-adBut the “tip” came from our boys in gray who laid in wait for the Union dogs. The Rebels were led by Lt. Beauregard “Cornball” Jackson, half wit cousin to the better known “Stonewall” Jackson who denied having any relation to him. Stonewall saw him as a prankster, a charlatan and certainly not worthy of the Jackson name. But the Lieutenant had one trick up his sleeve that would prove to be tactical genius.

As the Federal troops advanced, they were met by an army of straw men, assembled by Jackson to confuse them. On Jackson’s orders, the straw men were set aflame using the garrison’s considerable cache of rye whiskey. Engulfed in flames, the Union troops fled like cowards, chased by Jackson’s random fire.

Jackson prepared for a counter attack, but it never materialized.

Forde’s men proved incapable of mounting an offensive and chose to sleep off their considerable drunk in the surrounding rye fields. The following day they stumbled in the early light toward a crude camp that later became Disfigure. It’s a tale we’ve heard over and over again, but it still evokes pride in every able-bodied Flubugger.

But there’s a page missing from our history books, a page painstakingly brought to life in the Eunice Civil War Wax Museum. That page is a little known encounter between “Cornball” Jackson and his Platoon Sergeant, Tyler Buford which historians have dubbed, “Buford’s Reproach.”

shackletonsAccording to Phillip Reed Chestnut, curator at the Eunice museum, Buford wanted nothing to do with Cornball’s “straw man” plan and refused to move from his powder keg. Tensions escalated when Buford suggested Jackson “set the damn things on fire” himself and that his plans were little more than “pranks.”

The enraged Jackson left with a small group of men and did the impossible, pulling off one of the most creative tactics of the Civil War. Buford tried to undo the damage, at one point offering his beard as a token of remorse, but Cornball would hear none of it. Buford was court martialed on October 18, 1863 and his reproach was hushed up by the Army.

Until now.

Buford’s Reproach is just one of the incredibly insignificant Civil War scenes recreated at the Eunice Civil War Wax Museum. Others include Pickett’s Tent which documents the confusion when a raccoon made its way into the General’s tent, Sherman’s Last Stand which portrays Sherman standing on one foot to win a bet with a talented underling, and The Road To Appomattox which depicts Gen. Robert E Lee relieving himself on the court house lawn before surrendering his troops.

Take a trip through Flubug history at the Eunice Civil War Wax Museum in Downtown Eunice.

And don’t forget to tell ’em The Bugle sent you!

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WOPP Gets Vapid

VAPIDThe latest entrant into the increasingly high-rent district west of Pencil Place (WOPP) is Vapid, a vape shop that features west-of-the law products in an old time tobacconist setting.

Run by Euton “Dude” Holmes’ brother, Amos, Vapid expands on the offerings at Dude’s Guns & Smoke Shop with a hip new atmosphere that would never play in Bradshaw’s Pike. Incense with scents like Swamp Meadow, Tire Fire, Week Old Burrito and Recycle Bin, synthetic pot from top name Chinese manufacturers and a wide array of recreational brine (bath salts) are just a few of the products offered.

vapid-adVapid also sells weapons and ammunition, a real plus for those who can’t (won’t) make the trip to Bradshaw’s Pike. Backpack flame throwers that can be customized with your school logo, hollow-point armor-piercing bullets, silencers, target-seeking long guns (assault rifles), tactical utensils (combat knives), oriental curiosities (samurai swords) and clubs (clubs) offer customers a wide spectrum of sporting and home defense options.

Combustible lozenges, always a big seller at Dude’s Guns, will also be available at Vapid, but with far greater diversity. Sure, they’ll be the usual menthol and non-menthol lozenges like Newporks available in places like the Air Conditioned City (AC), but they’ll also be turmeric, curry, Mexican oregano and fennel flavored lozenges to reach a more diverse market.

newpork“We’re all about diversity,” says Amos Holmes. “Our products are diverse, our customers are diverse, the people who steal from us are diverse, even our approach to business is diverse. We diverted over $200,000 from my brother’s profits to set up this store.”

Vapid will also cater to an adult demographic with vaginal weightlifting equipment, ben wa balls, retrievable suppositories and bleaching kits for a confident rectal interaction.

Vapid opens Monday, February 1st on Iris and Pencil Place, right next to The Smelt.

See you there!

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Police Subdue Man Being “Chased By Electricity”

police-sceneFlubug Police have arrested a 31-year old Lusher man who led them on a high speed chase this morning through the gooseneck at Disfigure and into East Eunice on Highway 9. The man, who police say trashed a police cruiser, sideswiped two cars and broke into Mauvier’s Equestrian Village (owned by Kip “Francois” Mauvier), gave chase after ditching his ’81 Grand Am at Maim Street. He was taken into custody after being placed in a protective coma and booked on a variety of charges including trashing a police cruiser, sideswiping two cars and breaking into Kip Mauvier’s stable.

Bail was set at $62 million.

Balto College of Learning adAccording to an officer at the scene, the arrested man said he was being “chased by electricity” and was trying to avoid electrocution. Officers did their best to accommodate the man’s hallucinations by tasing him until he lost consciousness. But police now believe the man may have been high on bath salts, sold openly on the Lusher market as “recreational brine.”

“It’s frustrating as hell, but what can we do?” shrugged one police officer. “The City of Lusher is the only city in Down County that lets its residents smoke bath salts in public after the bars close. It’s no wonder they have problems with other jurisdictions.”

 

And those problems may be mounting.

The City of Eunice has made it clear they will no longer tolerate Lusher drunks on their highways and have tripled fines and jail time for violators. The City of Disfigure took a similar step, tripling fines while encouraging Lusher drunks to “stop by.” Vermouth is said to be considering more draconian measures that would allow police to shoot drunk drivers in the interest of public safety.

“We might not be able to stop them from smoking bath salts,” said one Vermouth officer familiar with the legislation. “But we’re sure as hell gonna get ’em off our highways.”

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GEPCO Completes Dong Repairs

GEPCO adGEPCO officials announced today that power has been restored to all customers affected by the December blizzard that crippled much of Down County in 2014. That blizzard, dubbed Dong, was the worst snowstorm in a hundred years and was particularly savage at higher elevations along the Quagmire Summit and Watersbad Canyon Pass where residents (savage themselves) were buried in five feet of snow.

Thirteen months later, they’re finally getting their power back.

Aubry Bancroft“We know this hasn’t been easy,” sighed GEPCO CEO Aubry Bancroft from the steps of his posh downtown headquarters. “And we regret any inconvenience this loss of service has had on our customers. But our crews have been working night and day this last…  uh… year… and I for one would like to congratulate them for a job well done.”

angry-quagmiriansA loosely-formed residents’ group hurled growls at the CEO (the universal language of displeasure in Quagmire) and hoisted bronze-age implements to vent their rage. “Yomyrzkqilo! Ptwahgbnipi!” they shouted in a menacing dialect. “Gklojki! Proust!”

Bancroft retreated to his office and a line of Ramsey deputies stood fast to guard the building.

“Gklojki! Proust!” the residents continued, babbling as if anyone understood their crude vernacular. “Gklojki! Proust!”

Within an hour the streets were cleared and the Quagmirians were gone, presumably back in their re-electrified hovels. But their menacing moment, though weird, was not altogether an outlier. In fact it was just the latest in a string of public outbursts that have followed the controversial 2010 merger that saw Flubug Electric, Down County Gas, Stateline Phone and Mullah’s Cable & Bhurka Emporium fused into one conglomerate.

yee-adAt the time the merger was billed as a way to lower prices by “streamlining” the county’s utilities. But that promise never materialized. Instead, its resulted in hundreds of layoffs and thousands of consumer complaints about service, pitiful response times and a call center that isn’t even connected to the company.

“You call to complain and you get some joker from Yee’s Appliances trying to sell you a stove,” gripes Lupe Robatto, menudo chef at Wild Bills.

“Even when you shut everything off you still get a bill,” says Sharon Piggles, a homeschooler whose work at My Little Pony Daycare forced her to relocate to Quagmire Summit.

“It almost makes me wish Mullah was back in business,” says Mullah’s wife who denies her husband is part of a terror cell in Graphite Cornerz. “Things made sense in those days.”

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Ditch Finale To Hit Shelves

final-ditch-cdThe year’s most anticipated CD, the final show at The Ditch, recorded live December 31st, 2015, is due to hit the shelves next week with band members expected to sign copies at undisclosed locations. Needless to say, fans are already gearing up. Pay and Pay announced it pre-sold its entire stock before it was even ordered. Take It N Git has ordered a hundred CDs. And Barnswallow Studios, due to close its doors February 1st, has been swamped with requests.

“If we knew it was gonna be this much of a hit we woulda stayed open,” said Barnswallow owner, Earl Boykins. “Mandy’s probably thinking the same thing.”

Fans have even been bugging individual band members who are sworn to secrecy about the locations they’ll be at to sign autographed copies.

Dex Strongarm copy“It’s been crazy,” said Dex Strongarm who took a one-night hiatus from Possum N Taters to join Doc Longsleeves on drums for the venue’s finale. “I’ve got hecklers at Possum asking where we’ll be signing the CD.”

And the excitement is not unwarranted.

dooley-insertThe CD, which includes an insert tribute to Dooley the revered ADRD bass player who many believe will return from the dead, brilliantly captures the verve and chaos of that final evening and the very spirit of a club that stood for years as the throbbing heartbeat of Flubug’s drug-addled entertainment scene.

Joplin“In many ways it sums up the whole history of The Ditch,” said a teary-eyed Mandy Manley. “It was the first and last place everybody ever went.”

From the first strains of “Oxy Lady” to the last sobs of “Auld Lang Syne” sung by Weekend Jones with Debra and Joplin on empty Faust bottles, you immediately realize you’re in the presence of a historic release.

Snow White TrashAnd the evening was unforgettable.

Raven completely sold out of Villenueva meth before midnight. Snow White Trash was thrown from the men’s room window for offering sexual favors. Amber “da Bammer” Carz wrestled Shorty to the ground and demanded to know if he was smuggling nail guns. Firebug lit the janitor’s closet on fire and threw gas cans into the crowd. Gwen had her dream catcher stolen. Hope Faydz was barred from entry and can be heard screaming from the entrance during Gwen’s set, “I own every one of you! Ya hear me? Every goddam one!” Three Time Losers, furious at being kicked off the bill, showed up and began fighting at the stage. Hoot called for calm but was hit by a flying Faust.

Yet through it all, Dooley’s face was projected above the stage with his characteristic calm that let everyone know it was really okay.

“It kinda makes you wonder,” said one awestruck attendee. “Like if he’s dead or not. I mean, you can’t believe anything you read in The Bugle.”

The track list perfectly reproduces the performances. The mayhem can be heard behind the music exactly as it happened and as clearly as the sirens that spelled the end of the event. Even the police, who used a battering ram to break down a side door barricaded by a probation ATM, can be heard shouting through the crowd. It’s all here, beautifully mastered and faithfully recreated for your listening pleasure:

  • ADRD – Oxy Lady
  • Bruegel – Black Lice Dance #2
  • Blubberpuss – One Man’s Couch
  • CDC Boys – Federal Aid
  • Driller – Frackin’ Sack
  • Doc Longsleeves – Borrowed Yer TV
  • Gwen – Worse Than You
  • Hellions – Light My Fire
  • Henhouse Explosion – Cage Free
  • Hoot n Ellis – Sweet Muscatel
  • J-Lok – Lodged Sideways
  • Like Chrystal – Glasspipe Gigilo
  • Ulcer of Talleyrand – Borodino Borodino
  • Yellow Bus – Flippin’ Chicken
  • Weekend Jones (w/ Debra and Joplin) – Auld Lang Syne

Even The Wolf made a cameo appearance, lowered by wires from the proscenium during Weekend Jones’ farewell just moments before the police broke into the club.

“It’s truly a classic,” said Jones, still tearful from the event and the loss of his sinecure. “It’s the end of an era. There’ll never be another club like The Ditch.” And he’s probably right.

The CD will be available in stores everywhere next week. Supplies are limited so…

Don’t say we didn’t warn ya!

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Pre-Approved Bail Survives Summit Despite Opposition

Let’s face it. Private probation firms are about as popular as root canals. And most folks can’t afford either. But this week their practices came under intense scrutiny at the “Legislator’s Summit,” held each year at the Trais Fres strip club to celebrate the end of the (three day) legislative session.

dickwadd-probation-adThis year’s summit, sponsored by Dickwadd Probation Services and the their legislative outreach arm, the EZ Read Bill Writing Council, saw representatives from across the county grapple with enrollment fees, per diem fees, administration fees (and scantily-clad dancers) for three full days.

“I must get a hundred calls a day about these firms!” groused Assemblyman “Little Putsch” Flanders (aka “Assman Flanders”), balancing a brunette on his lap. “Course, who’s to say if they’re good or bad?”

“They’re rapacious!” barked Assemblyman Brig Sideler, pausing to apologize to a blonde. “Not you, honey.”

“They’re out of control!” agreed Senator Lob Biskins, popping his fifth bottle of complimentary stunted grape champagne. “Course, I think we should study the issue more closely before taking any action.”

By Thursday the Pre-Approved Bail Bill – LB F206 – was dead on arrival to all but the most astute political observers in Down County.

Mayor Bobby Ornery "The Midnight Magistrate"

But something unexpected happened. Mayor Ornery, who sponsored the bill and spent the last three days talking with legislators’ wives on the phone, announced that the measure had been revived and would be brought to a “full vote” as early as this March.

“I believe our elected officials saw the light when it comes to cuttin’ the city’s overhead,” said the mayor who seemed noticeably pleased with himself. “And who knows? Maybe them boys might need a little pre-approved bail they selves.”

The response was swift from Carlton Dickwadd, Jr. who picked up the tab for 181 bottles of champagne, 677 lap dances, 87 hotel rooms, 14 limousines and the medical bills for 16 dancers transported to an undisclosed thicket along Tanwater Lake after overdosing on various chemicals.

airboat“This bill will be a disaster for Flubug!” proclaimed Dickwadd, speaking by phone from an air boat somewhere on Tanwater Lake. “It gives criminals a free pass on the off chance they’ll show up to court. It’s completely reckless!”

Communication was cut short with a crash (very much like) an air boat slamming into a rocky shore.

But Dickwadd may have outfoxed himself this time. Probation firms are hated by most Flubuggers and are consistently ranked less trustworthy than Yee’s appliance safety record. An irate public may well embrace the idea of pre-approved bail cards. In fact, the concept is already being tested in Lusher where DUI detentions, by far the highest in Down County, have dropped by an incredible 82% (which oddly corresponds with the number of alcoholics in Lusher).

“One of the biggest drains on our system today is the high cost of detention,” said Mayor Ornery.  “And why are those costs so high? Because most prisoners can’t make bail.”

The mayor continued: “I’m not saying we should do away with excessive bail. But pre-approving folks at high risk for incarceration will save lots of money and clear our judicial backlog.”

That position is backed by many of the county’s legal heavyweights including Judge Emily Knockspur, District Attorney Mayweather Simms and Tab Ornery (who once knew a legal secretary). Pastor Fergeuson Jenkins is also supporting the bill, saying it could increase his take at Addition House of Prayer by as much as 70%.

bail-mugNoticeably absent is Sheriff “Big Dog” Ramsey who rescinded his blessing after receiving an anonymous donation to his re-election campaign and, according to his brother-in-law (sorry, Melrose) a complimentary DPS coffee mug with the Dickwadd’s anti-pre-approved bail bill slogan on the side.

Also against the bill is Leighton “Laraboo” Washington who many believe will run against Mayor Ornery despite his persistent denials.

The full legislature is expected to take up the issue of pre-approved bail in a closed session at the Slopeside Country Club this March.

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Barkeep Sues Knave Over New Years Fracas

Bradshaw's Tavern in Bradshaw's Pike. Bikers, karaoke.Elmer Bradshaw, a fixture in the unincorporated town that carries his name (Bradshaw’s Pike) and proprietor of Bradshaw’s Tavern ($2 Buds every Thurs), filed suit today in Down County Superior Court against a club that recently opened next door to his tavern.

The Knave, which bills itself as “Pure Shakespearean Debauch” is in fact, according to the lawsuit, “a bar that caters exclusively to gay homosexuals (sic), the gay homosexual lifestyle (sic) and the encouragement (sic) of gay homosexuals (sic) to carouse at all hours of the night and damage personal property.”

Elmer BradshawThe sixty-eight page suit, which accused the owners of everything from mandatory seat belts to fluoridation, concluded with a plea for injunctive relief from what Bradshaw called, “gangs of drunken fags knocking over my guys’ bikes.”

At issue is an incident that happened New Year’s Eve when three patrons of The Knave, later found to be intoxicated, wandered into the parking area at Bradshaw’s Tavern and fell into a motorcycle causing a “domino effect” that dumped thirteen bikes on their side. The resulting melee, which saw bikers empty the bar with stools and timing belts, ended when the bikers began fighting each other and the trespassers slipped away.

Atom Grubb, who’s bringing the case for Bradshaw, says his client has an “air tight” case and will settle for nothing less than revocation of The Knave’s liquor license, an immediate sale of the premises and $250,000 for “pain and suffering.”

“And I’ll get it, too,” said Bradshaw while castigating the Liquor Control Board. “Then I’ll go after those idiots who approved their liquor license!”

Bradshaw's Tavern adBut attorneys for The Knave and their patrons contend the suit is both frivolous and homophobic, and that Bradshaw is “just humiliated because his macho patrons were tricked by gay men.”

“It’s the type of animal behavior we’ve come to expect from Bradshaw’s Pike,” said Doremus Saul, lead counsel for the defendants. “Bradshaw’s ‘patrons’ had every intention to harm my clients. The fact that they were content to beat each other only underscores the fact they were incited before my clients ever arrived.”

Hortense Waller at The Flubug House of God, Trini Kessler at the Poison Wells Chamber of Commerce and Pastor Fergueson Jenkins of the Addition House of Prayer (AHOP) have all stated their intent to file amicus briefs (as soon as they figure out what they are).

Arguments will be heard in Judge Knockspur’s court whenever the docket is found.

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The Hog Is Coming To Town!

whole-hog-logo-mottoWhole Hog, the sustainable, planet-friendly, grass-fed, climate-conscious, radon-free food market, is coming to Flubug.

And WOPPsters couldn’t be happier.

The news, issued today in a press release, confirmed the popular food chain has purchased the property previously owned by Barnswallow Studios east of Pencil Place across the street from the Check N Pay.

“The Hog,” as it’s called by WOPPsters, will offer a wide array of locally produced specialty items not carried by local markets. Hot sauces from Nailyard like Third Degree, Skin Graft and Six Alarm, a fine array of Eunice cheeses including their most recent offering – Mittenkast – a brined cheese made from cow’s beestings blended with a Germanic bleu textured through the action of cheese mites.

yakAnd for those who like yak?

Whole Hog plans to offer a full-service yak bar with such delicacies as blackened yak sliders, carmelized yak (with shaved carrot) and quinoa-stuffed yak burgers with sriracha aioli.

The grand opening is February 1st with lots of free bahn mi rolls and samples of stunted grape cheesecake. Serves you right if you miss it!

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Faydz To Revive Pencil Place

pencil-place-megaplexThe latest move to bring civic pride, a chic makeover (and cash) to the area west of Pencil Place (WOPP) came today in a well-rehearsed announcement at the site of the previously-proposed Pencil Place retail complex.

Flubug Corps of EngineersSpeaking to members of the city council, mayor’s office and the Flubug Corps of Engineers (right), Hope Faydz,  Flubug’s high-rolling self-proclaimed realty czarina, unveiled her newest real estate development deal from high atop a hastily-erected scaffold on the muddy site.

“I want you all to use your imagination,” Faydz said as the mic let out an ear-shattering squeal. “I want you to imagine a six story, 30,000 square foot office complex right here!”

Faydz pointed to a clump of yarrow clutching a chain link fence for life. “Over there will be our anchor tenant – the corporate headquarters of Shitfit, the largest manufacturer of personal diuretic meters in the state!”

trash_pileShe pointed at the other side of the lot where a year’s worth of trash had snagged against the fence.

“Over there will be a flagship Pushin’ Mud coffee boutique!”

It started to rain as she introduced Shitfit CEO, Marco Straus-Laurence.

“Everyone counts their calorie intake these days,” beamed Laurence. “But what about calories that go the other way?” The crowd stared as if waiting for a punchline. “Shitfit is ready to bet that people will pay though the… …to track their bodily fluids… …in both directions!”

The crowd chuckled at the word “pay.”

“We’re ready to commit to Pencil Place Megaplex and we’re ready to commit our proprietary Pushin’ Mud coffee boutique at this location.”

The crowd thinned as it started to pour.

“We can make this happen!” Faydz shouted after them, her voice getting raspy. “All of us together, hand in hand.” The last stragglers disappeared, dashing through the mud to their cars. “Use your goddamn imagination!” Faydz screamed. “This is gonna be huge!”

Hope FaydzFaydz is the latest in a group of entrepreneurs who seek to refashion (rebrand their worthless real estate) the (still) decrepit area of Beantown into a fashionable (high rent) district of art galleries, dirty martini bars, organic eateries and nightclubs called WOPP.

The radio personality-turned-real estate developer recently purchased the three square blocks bordering Pencil Place from 2nd (Fever) St. to 4th St. (Humbert Ave) and brokered what some consider to be a hostile takeover of The Ditch. An unknown buyer has since paid cash for the two blocks between 4th and 6th Streets.

Shitfit CEO, Marco Straus-Laurence (a compulsive hand-washer) wanted us to let you know that sample diuretic devices will be handed out free (with menudo purchase) in Wild Bill’s men’s room this Sunday (while supplies last).

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Smelt Open for Biz in WOPP

the-smeltIf artisan pizza brought to a full city roast with Miasma smelt fresh-plucked from Spotter’s Field is your thing, The Smelt is right up your alley.

Founded by Joust and Hickum Bellamy, The Smelt opened for business this weekend in the burgeoning WOPP to a line of hipperoos that stretched halfway down Iris Street. Iris Street, as you may remember, was returned to its former name with the other numbered streets West of Pencil Place (WOPP) in an effort to foster a sense of community and placate market-conscious developers who donated $50,000 in non-traceable bills to Mayor Ornery’s re-election campaign.

smelt-ovenAfter a two hour wait this reporter was lucky enough to get one of the few wooden crates available for seating, a peek at the low-yield nuclear oven, and a small cardboard lap tray that doubled as a menu. But that menu made it all worthwhile.

The Inferno – A Neapolitan pie piled high with generous gobs of fisher milk cheese and romanesco, charred to a crisp and served with a jigger of cruelty-free water.

The Conflagration – A fusion of sriracha and benzine-marinated dulse give this pie its flavorful kick. Add South Hormel chorizo, benadryl and a miserly helping of siaga antelope cheese and you’ve got the makings of a true legend.

city-roast-pizzaThe Purgatory – A Sicilian masterpiece with free-harvest chillies, pre-spill Tanwater asparagus and locally-owned yardlong incinerated to a molten 5,000 degrees and smothered with a dollop of Eunice cheese.

Side dishes include barnacles, lightly charred and tossed on a bed of milkweed with an elm vinaigrette made from the last known elm tree, and pest-sensitive cassava fries made with non-invasive yew tree oil. And of course, a bottomless pot of Postum with every meal.

If you’re looking for a eclectic – some might say overpriced and senselessly chaotic – culinary experience, look no further than The Smelt. It may be small, but it’s truly a grand addition to Flubug’s bucolic offerings. And another boost for the WOPP District.

But bring your wallet. Pizzas start at $60.00 with signature pies going for as much as a $125.00 during impromptu auctions.

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Dylan Mocha Buys Ditch For Undisclosed Sum

By any measure The Ditch has a long and checkered past. From its meager beginnings in 1983 when such unknowns as Ace High, The Fennel Brothers, Rusty Tungsten and Gone With The Wind got their start, to its transformation into a punk playground where powerhouse acts like Breugel, Ulcer of Talleyrand and Like Chrystal played to overflowing audiences, The Ditch has been a pivotal catalyst to many a musician’s career and an undisputed hallmark of Flubug’s entertainment scene.

But things they are a-changin’ at 645 6th Street.

mandy manly, owner of The Ditch

Mandy Manley

Last week, Mandy Manley, who bought The Ditch in 1995 and transformed it from a venerated music hall into the tachycardic heartbeat of a marginalized generation, held a press conference outside the club to announce what everyone already knew – that the club had been sold and was headed in a different direction.

Chugging back tears, an emotional Manley thanked fans, many of whom had braved the cold to witness the historic moment, and the hundreds of musicians who helped turn The Ditch from a respectable music hall into a cultural experiment. “We love you, Mandy!” came shouts from the crowd. “Fuck Faydz!”

“Words cannot express my gratitude,” Manley said, pausing at times to regain her composure. “It was you who made The Ditch what is was, you who demanded the best in everything – the best crank, the best alcohol, the best dope, the most liberal admission policy. The Ditch will never die. Not in our hearts or our memories. I thank you all for an amazing twenty years. And I look forward to another twenty years of cutting edge entertainment with Dylan Mocha at the helm.”

ditch-poster-2012With that she ducked into a waiting limousine chauffeured by her recluse dad (Adolph) without taking any questions.

But there were plenty of questions to be answered. First and foremost: how much did Mocha pay for The Ditch and how much did he spend to revamp the premises?

Whatever the price, it must have been hefty. He’s tripled the size of the club since the deal was signed in October. It now spans 15,000 square feet and is so large the address had to be changed. It boasts a 5,000 watt sound system, the most powerful in three counties, and hundreds of laser lights which, at an estimated cost of $50,000, make this one of the largest transactions in Flubug memory (which, admittedly, isn’t long).

Another question is: why were the Villeneuva brothers in the club New Year’s Eve? Sheriff Ramsey declared “total war” on the cartel bosses three years ago when he discovered they were smuggling angel dust in chocolate Easter bunnies. Why would they come out of hiding at such a high profile event?

Hope FaydzYet another question is the role of Hope Faydz whose realty firm handled the transaction. It’s well known that Faydz was furious at Mandy over what she considered a wildly inflated bill for her Sad Folk fiasco. The bill, which included $6,400 for stomach pumps and on-site Narcon injections, was eventually paid. But Faydz swore revenge and the show, which some insist was staged to lure Wren back to her arms, had the opposite effect: driving Wren into the ample arms of Doc Longsleeves’ Dex Strongarm.

But one thing we do know about the transaction are the feelings of local law enforcement.

“I ain’t one to mince words,” said Sheriff Ramsey, who also attended the press conference. “And I ain’t gonna start with Mandy. 80% of our drug busts, 60% of our DUIs and 70 nail gun attacks in the last six months? Hell no, I ain’t sorry to see her go. Things can’t never get that bad!”

dylan_mochaBut the sheriff’s optimism may be premature. Dylan Mocha is no rebel. That much we know. He’s an entrepreneur. He’s proven that with his wildly successful SimWork. But he’ll be looking to recoup his investment quickly (if indeed it was his investment). And though he’s attracted the attention the top DJs in the state, he’s also attracted the attention of the Villenueva brothers.

In the end, the notoriety of The Ditch may only have been repackaged for a new generation.

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Author Discovers Race of Incredibly Dumb Aliens

chimpIn what may be the greatest discovery since Vince Pinelli found his cane in the Hole of Mystery, Karen Goodwell, author of the runaway bestseller If Crows Could Speak, has discovered a “race of incredibly dumb aliens” living on the outskirts of Graphite Cornerz.

The creatures, which Goodwell describes as “extraterrestrial” and “at least a hundred years behind mankind,” are considerably smaller than humans – about the size of Tommy “Whaddayalookinat” Gunther – and covered with hair. They also have an odd habit of plugging their ears and singing “la la la la la la la” whenever humans try to communicate with them.

if crows could speak adGoodwell, who spent a decade trying decode the ramblings of crows, believes she’s found the key to this strange behavior. “Being incredibly dumb, I believe they put their fingers in their ears to listen more closely. When that doesn’t work they become frustrated and simply start singing.”

Zoologists at Beseech Academy, however, were quick to dismiss that explanation as well as her entire “discovery.”

“They’re chimpanzees, for chrissakes!” said Hermann von Paulis, Professor Emeritis Alien Zoology at Beseech Academy. They probably escaped from Barking Circus during the snowstorm last year. Naturally they fled to Graphite Cornerz. What better place to blend in?”

Others aren’t so sure.

Gramps McCauley, who’s listened to alien chatter for years, says the idea of an extraterrestrial race less advanced than our own jibes with his own experience.

“I hates to admit it, but I ain’t heard hide nor hair o’ anything on them satellite dishes. Course, I was always figurin’ them aliens’d be smarter than us. Now I’m thinkin’ maybe they’s so dumb we cain’t even understand ’em!”

Authorities, acting on the assumption Goodwell is right, have set up a perimeter around the area and are poised to move in.

“Any time you got an alien-type situation,” said Sheriff Ramsey. “you’ve got the po-tential fer violence. I’m not sayin’ it’s fer sure gonna happen. But in cases like this it’s always best to shoot first an’ ask questions later.”

house-wax-adBut officials from Barking Circus issued a statement this afternoon pleading with Flubug Police to use restraint and not shoot their lost animals.

“We don’t know what idiot decided our chimps were aliens. But we urge Sheriff Ramsey to use restraint and not shoot our precious animals. There’s an election coming up and a lot of voters go to the circus. Need we say more?”

Goodwell could not be reached by phone after her alien discovery was publicly challenged and did not have an opportunity to comment on this article. However her agent, Bling Grossman with Sampson & Sampson, told The Bugle she’s been signed to write “a trilogy” loosely based on this most recent discovery.

Gramps McCauley, not to be outdone, added that if the discovery turns out to be real, he’ll add a likeness of Karen Goodwell to his (financially struggling) House of Wax.

Stay tuned to The Bugle for all your breaking news needs!

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Sound of Uzbek Opens Jan 9th

sound-of-musicAxmad and Havasxon’s Sound of Uzbek opens January 9th at the Overmeyer Cultural Center at 8pm, and if critics are right, this is one show not to miss. The production, crudely based on the Rogers and Hammerstein classic, features Dolores Schnauser as Maria (Muattarbonu) and Oshknar Popinschlavokatzka as Captain von Trapp (Gulshanoy).

It was five years in the making.

Axmad and Havasxon, who met in Tashkent’s UYA 64/71 prison, are tight-lipped about production costs, but 20th Century O’g’ilroy (also from Tashkent) told The Bugle Ms. Schnauser’s contract alone was “in the three figures.”

That’s quite a step for Dolores, who was wren-bait five years ago, but the producers wanted a plump, middle-aged woman to play Maria, and they got one.

The story, of course, is timeless. Even so, Axmad and Havasxon have infused the mores of the West with the charm of Uzbekistan to give it a modern twist. The result is pure magic.

Womyn With ProblemsMaria, a middle-aged lesbian questioning her sexual identity, is pledged to a life of subjugation in a Sunni mosque. She’s sold to an Uzbek seaman whose drunken bouts left him with seven kids. She steals a rubob (lute) and is beaten mercilessly, but floats through the air, mesmerizing the kids, seaman and all of Uzbekistan.

Axmad and Havasxon admit their new musical deviates – some might say butchers – the original, but they insist their rewrite works for a modern audience. And critics, hailing the production as “daring,” “incredulous” and “beyond description,” seem to agree. Some are predicting the Uzbek production will gross more in the first week than Possum N Taters in an entire year. Others are less optimistic.

“The part of Julie Andrews played by a floating lesbian from Uzbekistan? says Syl Sampson of Sampson Bros. Literary Agency. “It won’t last a week.”

The Sound of Uzbek opens at the new Overmeyer Cultural Center on January 9th.

See you there!

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