TFC Kicks Off Fund Drive

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Tire Fire City kicks off its second annual Christmas fund drive this Thursday which officially brings to an end last year’s fund drive (which netted seven dollars). Speaking on condition of anonymity, Clarence Buboe, who replaced outgoing fund drive manager Ricki Buboe, made no excuses for the fund’s performance other than to say that his brother is “an idiot” and never should have been left in charge of such an important task.  Louis Rogue Club ad

The fund hopes to raise over $100 this season to fray the cost of two new exits and a bus to replace the one lost when the east fire crossed into Bixby’s Bus Service last May. Matching funds are also available. In fact, several businesses have increased their matching funds – KRAK and Yee’s Appliance Garden among them – on the bet that they’re probably never have to pay out.

“Up until now it’s been a pretty safe bet,” says Buboe. “Businesses got great PR without ever dishing out a penny. But this year’ll be different. You’ll see.”

Ricki Buboe did not return our phone calls and we have every reason to believe he’s still drinking with Nick Carz at Louie’s Rouge Club. Bottoms up, Ricki!

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Death Toll Soars in Quagmire

 

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The death toll in Quagmire continues to rise as plague spreadsBird Flu ad unabated through the region. In just three short months, a quarter of the population (pegged at 27 adults the last time census workers felt safe enough to count) has died of the illness that now threatens all of Down County.

Aid workers, a lunatic and six convicts, insist they’re overworked, under staffed and untrained to deal with the deadly virus. Many have threatened to walk off the job unless agreement is reached to ship basic humanitarian supplies (morphine and a hypodermic) to area hospitals. Others have left to care for loved ones or flee to the surrounding Miasma foothills.

Addressing the disaster, Quagmire mayor, Franklin Delano Bwanghana, whose fireside chats have won him the praise of critics who earlier chastised his move to Rilesville, appealed to Down County’s Health and Human Services Director, Ethel Axelroot, for assistance.

“I need cash and I need it now,” Bwanghana said. “And I need a plane out of this hellhole.”

But by week’s end agreement with HHS seemed far from certain.

ethel-axelroot-HHS-Director“We ain’t sending cash, and we sure as hell ain’t sending this guy a plane,” said Axelroot, annoyed at being woken at two in the afternoon. “If anything we’ll send a deputy to see why he never paid for the last shipment”

The mood at the State Capitol in Balto was less confrontational.

“If we don’t give this guy what he wants there’s no telling what he might do,” said Poison Wells’ Selectman Charles “Two Buck Chuck” Sumner who ties the outbreak of plague to the county’s refusal to lower the minimum wage. “He’s got an army of plague-riddled zombies who know the wages and care are better in Balto. What happens if they come here?”

But according to Leyden “Ben” Butler, congressional hopeful from Pook’s Addition, that’s already happened.

“The Dem Bones employee who died last week had recently traveled from Quagmire to Hormel,” said Butler, stunning reporters who gathered outside his office for free bird wings from Moxie’s. “Flubug Memorial knew he was from Quagmire, they knew he had plague, they knew he was contagious. Yet they did nothing to protect the community.”

Calls to Flubug Memorial Hospital went unanswered (though that’s far from unusual).

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Town Declared Amusement Park

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Shilltown, Down County – In a dramatic move, coming in the wake of the worst economic recovery in anyone’s memory, Shilltown declared itself an amusement park today and announced it would start “charging admission” as early as Oct. 31st. The decision comes on the heels of last month’s attempt by Assemblyman “Little Putsch” Flanders to sell the town’s acquifer to a cartel of overseas water speculators.

shilltown-magic-showTicket booths have already been set up on the Miasma Highway, which follows the rapids from Tanwater Park, the Rilesville “Snake” (Route 01), which winds through the forests of Rilesville to the south, and the Watersbad Canyon Service Road which replaced the orange cones that sat along Watersbad Ridge for a decade (see map).

Entrance fees will be good for one trip to 1) Government Land – City Hall, Municipal Court and City Detention Center – 2) The Wonderful World of Health – Office of Communicable Diseases, Coroner’s Office and Pharmaceutical Swap Meet 3) Tomorrowland – City Dump, Waste Management, Suicide Prevention Center – and 4) “The Haunted Village” – Shilltown Nursing Home, O’Bally’s Psychiatric Tent for the Criminally Insane and the North Down County Drug and Alcohol Spin Dry.

One day passes may be purchased for $6.00 and are good until prices increase next week.

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Eight New Cases of Plague

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Eight new cases of plague have been diagnosed since Sunday when a Dem Bones employee suspected of spreading the deadly disease was removed to Flubug Memorial Hospital from his post at the fry cooker. The unidentified man was discharged today when his insurance ran out, but officials insist “he poses no health risk” to the community “except those in the immediate vicinity when he coughs.”

The same can’t be said of the other eight cases.

All eight have been moved to a makeshift morgue at an undisclosed location pending review of their insurance coverage. All are considered highly contagious.Oswalds Buffet - eat till your tummy hurts!

Nikki Bartlett, Director of Cotton Swab Replacement at the CDC in Stateline, says she think she’s discovered a pattern. “They all bought food at the same restaurant. They all had fries. They all used the drive thru window. I’m no detective, but I’d be surprised if there wasn’t a connection.”

Officer Roy, recently promoted when he gave up his job at The Bugle, is a detective. And he agrees with Bartlett: “The Dem Bones restaurant on Old Road is definitly the culprit. And if it were up to me, I’d shut the place down.”

But it isn’t up to Detective Roy. It’s up to the Down County Health Department. And that agency is headed by Walton Dickwadd, Sr., patriarch of the Dickwadd clan and CEO of Dickwadd International which owns the Dem Bones Family Restaurant chain and most, if not all, of Down County (including an ever so tiny piece of this newspaper). We caught up with “Wally” outside the mayor’s office where he had just endorsed Mayor Ornery for a ninth term in office.

walton-dickwadd-sr“Look,” he said bruquely. “If there’s any chance our restaurants are placing Flubuggers at risk I’ll shut ’em down. But everything we know suggests this employee was a lone nut. Plague literature was found in his apartment. Caged rats. A Mannlicher-Carcano rifle. He was obviously planning this thing for a long time. The police should’ve never let him go.”

But it wasn’t the police. And Sherrif “Big Dog” Ramsey takes issue with Dickwadd’s comments. “How the hell are we supposed to know what they’re up to at Flubug Hospital? I don’t even know where the damn place is! By the time we figured out this guy was wack job, he was gone. For all I know he’s back in Quagmire, infecting rats or whatever they do out there.”

This is a developing story. For information, contact Jips Driscoll at The Bugle news desk.

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Plague Confirmed at Dem Bones

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Nafta Superhighway – Officials at Flubug Memorial Hospital have confirmed that a Dem Bones employee who recently returned from Quagmire is infected with bubonic plague. The employee, who “showed no sign of illness before he collapsed,” was rushed to a vacant lot near Flubug Memorial Hospital where he will be kept under observation until his ability to pay can be ascertained.

At a press conference held in a parking lot in Graphite Cornerz, to prevent anyone from discerning the hospital’s location, officials in plague masks played down the risks of deadly airborne viruses and urged the community to “remain calm.”

plague-press-conference“Let me assure you,” a muffled voice spoke through an odd-looking mask. “We no longer live in the Middle Ages. We can treat the Black Death.” A coworker nudged his ribs. “I mean, plague. There’s absolutely no cause for alarm.”

He pulled a cat from behind the lecturn. “And I think you’re gonna find these little guys indispensible.” He held the dazed feline by the scruff of its neck. “Cats are an important first line of defense for your family and friends, and if you haven’t already, you might head down to VetsMart today and pick up a dozen or so.”

The cat leapt from the stage.possum-ad

Fletch Kettlefish, back at his desk at The Bugle after starring in the 118th season of Possum, asked the question on everyone’s mind: “You mean cats are your only recommendation for addressing this major health disaster?”

Potential disaster,” added another official, stepping to the mike quickly. “And they’re actually not our only recommendation. Bloodletting, flagellation and Jew-bashing have come a long way in the last six centuries.” Continue reading

Working From Home

Working From HomeSometimes you just can’t imagine getting up for work: the commute, the office, the gossip, the phones, the politics, that creep down the hall. It’s just makes you want to pull the covers back over your head and dive back into dreamland.

But what can you do?

You need the money. And god knows you need your vacation time for that weekend trip to Tanwater. And who wants to waste perfectly good sick leave on being sick??

But don’t despair. Just pick up the phone and join the growing number of workers who work from home!

Work From Home Podcast

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Ya Can’t Keep A Good Yee Down!

With record droughts and water shortages throughout Down County the price of drinkable water has tripled over the last month. But if you can set aside your pride (and health) there is a low cost alternative.

Yee’s number five son, Knowe How Sell Yee (shown above) is bottling water straight from Tanwater Lake. And he’s selling the liquid for only a buck.

Even so, the water, which Yee characterizes as “almost same artisan well water,” has health officials concerned. Flubug Water Commisioner Bunky Fowler, who recently added a 12,000 sq ft addition to his Downslope Estate McMansion, gave a wary endorsement. “I know we’ve all been taught not to drink from the lake. But hey, if something’s scarce you pay more for it, right? That’s Capitalism 101. If you want to pay ten bucks a bottle for water, go for it. Yee’s just offering a choice in an economic downturn. I say pick your poison!”

But the CDC is less supportive. In a statement issued Friday the agency stated flatly: “Tanwater Lake was declared a Superfund cleanup site in 1992. The county kept the Environment Extortion Agency at bay by promising to clean the lake themselves. Yet in twenty years their only response has been to raise property taxes and sue every business in sight. Given that ten swimmers, eight campers and a dozen dogs have died through contact with the lake, we consider any scheme to distribute its water commercially to be the height of recklessness.”

Yet despite the CDC’s hyperbole (they also claimed stagnant water in Flubug’s reservoir would provide a perfect breeding ground for mosquitoes) the vending machines have been distributed to a dozen locations. And more are on the way.

“Machines soon be all over county!” announced Yee proudly. “Sell Dirty Water, ‘Possum Swill’ …even Faust!”

If nothing else, the young Yee’s entrepreneurial spirit proves the old Flubug adage: “You can’t keep a good Yee down!” And given the current record-breaking drought, who would want to?

Can’t Keep a Good Yee Down Podcast

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Titanic Found in Tanwater Lake!

Divers in submersibles obtained by the Overmeyer Oceanic and Meteorological Society in a subs-for-hostages deal brokered by the Villaneuva brothers stumbled across a wreckage that looks eerily like the Titanic at the bottom of Tanwater Lake. The wreckage, which lies six miles beneath the surface, has many of the same characteristics known to have graced the doomed ocean liner including the spiral staircase, signature chandelier and a damaged lifeboat with the phrase “Ismay’s a pussy” scrawled across the stern.

Titanic Podcast

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Men Held In Latest Nailgun Spree

Flubug Police have detained two Nailyard men in connection with an assault last night outside the infamous Ditch nightclub, which left “Shorty” with three nails in his head . The incident, which eyewitnesses say coincided with a performance by the controversial Nailyard band, RottGutt, brings to five the number of nail gun incidents within blocks of the controversial club (found under the Scene Section of The Bugle) and underscores the escalating trend in Nailyard-related violence. Continue reading

Carz Vows “Total War” On Nailyard

Nick Carz “Loaded for bear” after decision

Nick Carz, father and coach to wrestling star Amber “da Bammer” Carz,  disqualified this week for allegedly packing zinc in her gloves , swore revenge on “Nailyard thugs” today for what he termed as “a slap in the face of every sports fan in Flubug.” Flanked by his daughter and teammates from this year’s Falcon lineup, Carz went on to say that not he but the entire City of Flubug has declared “total war on Nailyard.” He added: “Their nail guns won’t stop us,” an obvious reference to the weapons used by Nailyard fans to tip the scales in their favor at intra-county wrestling matches.

Speaking to reporters on the Wrestling Commission steps, where just days before the Commissioner passed down his contentious decision to disqualify Amber from the state finals, Carz insisted his vow was more than “just blowing smoke.”

“They tried mixing it up at the HAAC,” Carz said. “When it was clear that Amber had whooped their butts. Now the coach has his kid glue pennies in Amber’s gloves… and the Commission buys it? I don’t think so.” The crowd of thirty supporters threw their fists in the air. “We’re gonna go down there…. we’re gonna meet them on their own turf… and we’re gonna show them that Flubug can not be pushed around!”

At that point, Amber took the megaphone and addressed the furious crowd. “I love you, Flubug! And I want that State Wrestling trophy to be right where it belongs… right here in Flubug!”

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Amber on Saturday looks longingly at where her trophy should sit

The crowd went wild, hoisting clubs, bats and nail guns in the air as they took up the chant. “Nail their ass! Nail their ass! Nail their ass!” Flubug Police were on hand in case the crowd got out of hand, but to hear Sheriff Ramsey tell it: “What they did to Amber is inexcusable. And Nick’s right, it’s a slap in everyone’s face. But will we uphold the law? Sure. Will we do our best to prevent violence? You bet. But don’t blame us if we’re a little late showing up to their event.” He winked.

The Wrestling Department at Nailyard High declined to be interviewed for this story. Repeated calls were redirected to a voice mail with violin music and a crying baby.

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Indictments Issued in Missing Body Puzzler

After weeks of speculation, District Attorney Mayweather Simms is ready to unseal indictments against C’est la Vie Funeral Home Director Jake Pinewood and her longtime associate, Karen Rutherford. The women, who share ownership of the facility and–according to Sandra DeMarco, librarian at the Grafite Cornerz Publik Liberry— intimate relations, will reportedly be scheduled to appear before the Flubug Grand Jury on April 10th following the discovery of their whereabouts.

At issue is the disappearance of Lydia Thanatogenos, taken to the funeral home on November 23, 2011 after a year-long battle with restless leg syndrome claimed her life in a spectacular spasm. Thanatogenos’ body, which daughter Lydia claims was whisked away in a Volkswagen bus with the words, “C’est la Vie” painted on the side, was to be interred two days later in a pricey but uninspired ceremony.

That ceremony never happened.

Instead, her daughter received a certificate that claimed her mother had already been cremated and offered a ten percent discount on all future purchases. Lydia went to the police.

Cest la Vie Funeral Home ad“I was dumbfounded,” she recounted, sobbing into a complimentary C’est la Vie wet nap. “I had already paid for the embalming, the service, the casket, the flowers…even the alternate pallbearers in case my facebook friends didn’t show. It’s outrageous!”

Flubug police agreed and launched a full-scale investigation last year. Now it appears the evidence from that investigation will be heard by the grand jury. “We are prepared,” said Sheriff Ramsey in a telephone interview that preempted the D.A’s announcement. “To present our findings to the grand jury, no matter how grisly, no matter how heinous, no matter how damaging the facts may be to my political opponents.”

Ramsey’s inference of “political opponents” was immediately interpreted as a reference to Mayor Ornery, his only opponent in the race for Down County Commissioner, and elicited a quick response from the Ornery’s campaign. “If the sheriff’s got any evidence that Mayor Ornery is connected with these crimes,” said Dustin Ashe, the young firebrand attorney who heads the mayor’s re-election campaign. “he should present it immediately. Otherwise, he and Deputy Fife should go back to writing tickets and chowing down Aunt Bee’s huckleberry pie.”

For now, Angela Anostogenis takes solace in the fact that the wheels of justice are turning. But April is still weeks away. And if there’s any substance to the mud being flung from the sheriff’s office, there may be many more bodies before this whole morbid business is behind us.

Gal Grapplers Set For State

Amber da BammerIn an inspiring display of strength, speed and naked aggression, Flubug’s Amber “Da Bammer” Carz made short work of her Balto opponent, Susan Osteoporowski, in the 130-lb. class bout, ensuring a third straight trip to the state wrestling championships for the Fightin’ Falcons.

As longtime coach and proud papa, Nick Carz, looked on from the front row, the bout, which drew record crowds, ended as soon as it began. “The moment I heard Osteoporowski’s head snap back I knew we’d be packing for State,” said Carz who, contrary to earlier reports, will not be betting on his daughter’s opponent. “There ain’t a gal in the county can whoop Amber. You’d be nuts to bet against her!”

Carz neatly sidestepped allegations that his daughter uses rage-enhancing drugs to boost her performance. “Look,” he said curtly. “She drinks Red Bull after school, maybe a couple frappacinnos. Sometimes she borrows my inhaler. I wouldn’t call that ‘rage-enhancing. I’d call it American!”

But last night’s rage wasn’t confined to the HAAC. Continue reading