“Big Dog” Ramsey, who won an unprecedented tenth term in office in an election marred by accusations of voter intimidation by Rilesvillians and meddling by the Villaneuva Brothers (who all but crushed his opponent Laraboo Washington when they leaked an unpaid gas bill just days before the election), announced he is changing his title from Sheriff to Emperor of Flubug just one month before taking office.
His supporters, many of whom gathered for impromptu lynchings, were ecstatic at the news. “Works for me!” said one supporter, briefly removing a white hood. “King. Emperor. Whatever. It’s time to clean this town up!”
Ramsey’s pronouncement follows a slew of controversial cabinet picks:
- B.B. The Bozo (Secretary of State)
- Elmer Bradshaw (Defense Secretary)
- “Little Putsch” Flanders (Chief of Staff)
- Thornton Vance (Dept of Flubug Security)
- Gus Waller (Attorney General)
- Carlton Dickwadd Jr. (Office of Probation and Pre-Trial Services)
- Exalted Magistrate Luke “Billy Boy” Willadean (Sentencing Commission)
- Pip Knickers (Child Protective Services)
- Buck Knickers (Department of Racial Purity)
- Carlton Dickwadd (Health and Human Services)
- Filbert “Doc” Robbie (Surgeon General)
- Walton Dickwadd (Treasury Department)
- Crotch Johnson (Department of Transportation)
- “Two Buck” Chuck (Office of Mgmt & Budget)
- Hortense Waller (Department of the Interior)
- Bunky Fowler (Department of Agriculture)
- Floyd Carpenter (Housing Urban Development)
- Blake Mosely (Director, FBI)
- Euton “Dude” Holmes (Director, CIA)
Nick Carz’ name is also being floated for the newly-created position of Casino Affairs Director, a position that would oversee all lotto and gambling operations in the newly-formed country of Flubug.
The lineup, which still has to be approved by Ramsey’s children, spawned the hashtag #DrCaligarisCabinet for an hour today before the creators were arrested and renditioned to the Ukraine where they’re reportedly undergoing water therapy.
Asked to comment on the cabinet picks, Ramsey’s campaign director, Fannie “Corndog” Cornwallis, just smiled.
“He’s amazing, isn’t he? Who else could put such a talented team together in just ten minutes?”