Beseech Academy, the staunchly conservative university founded in 1918 by Quaker dough boys and a generous gift from the Overmeyers, opened a new campus this week at the site of the long-shuttered Nix AFB.
BENIX, as the campus is called, will offer four-year degrees in a variety of disciplines not available at their Hormel location:
- Assassination Techniques
- Lone Wolf Management
- Tactical Weaponry
- The Crusades
- Airborne Pathogens
- Political Destabilization
- Coup Design & Development
- Suicide Recruitment
- Terror Scene Staging
- Gay Aversion Waterboarding
- Moslem Hand Signals
Two-year degrees will also be offered in:
- Bomb Proofing ID Specialist
- Intermediate Gun Runner
- Sharia Law Coach
- Assistant Globalist
- Perennial Heathcare Plaintiff
- Benghazi Witness
And for those with less interest in a long-term commitment, BENIX will offer a vast array of certification programs:
- 2D Printing
- Ice Cream Delivery Systems
- Forest Eradication
- Prison Escape
- Getting Around Background Checks
- Breaking & Entering
- 1-2-3 Arson
- Helicopter Flight Instruction
- Vaginal Piercing
And, finally, for those just interested in building on current skills:
- Hubcap Flipping
- Making Chloroform
- How to Stretch Your Bribery Dollar
- How to Get SimWork Off Your Resume
- Advanced Smuggling Techiniques
BENIX will serve up to 435 students from around the world including such bastions of political freedom as Uzbekistan, Turkey, Siam, Belgium Congo, South Africa, Bolivia, Argentina and Lagos, Nigeria where Beseech’s sister campus is located.
The campus in Lagos – BENIG – is already a world leader in Islamic provocation, piracy, rhinoceros poaching, anti-AIDS research and micro-loan programs that provide much needed funds to promising machete dealers and horn poachers.
BENIX will also feature the school’s trademark cafe and book shop, “The Holy Owned,” where you can enjoy a snack, quaff a Nigerian ale and engage in rigorous debate with a bigoted, intoxicated undergrad. You might even meet Reverend Stanton DeMoss, Dean of Beseech Academy whose ready crop and smudged monocle make him a well known site on campus.
Get to know BENIX today!