Zambiski: Stamps To Increase by 200%

postal-inspector-jerry-zambisky

Jerry Zambiski

Flubug Postal Service, citing financial difficulties and the increased popularity of carrier pigeons, requested a 200% price hike on all stamps at a meeting with the Down Board of Supervisors on Friday. The closed session was convened to test the waters for a possible grand jury investigation into escalating costs and complaints under Jerry Zambiski’s tenure as Postal Inspector and was designed, according to analysts, to deflect criticism from the Board of Supervisors.

But Zambiski turned the tables on the Board when he announced the release of three previous stamps, a request from collectors that’s fallen on deaf ears for decades. The re-released stamps, set to go on sale this September, derail the theory that new stamps cost too much and that Flubug has nothing noteworthy to feature. According to Zambiski:

“Flubug has a rich history of accomplishment and innovation. We at the FPS realize that and we’ve tapped that spirit of innovation to re-release these popular vintage stamps with some updated delivery options.”

The first issue, which has already generated a great deal of enthusiasm, is the $2.50 Guaranteed Delivery stamp. This stamp, once a mainstay of the Flubug Postal Service, guarantees that your letter or package will be delivered no matter what the weather or road conditions for a flat $2.50 fee.

guaranteed-deliever-stampThe second issue which has generated considerably less enthusiasm, mostly with budget-conscious Flubuggers, is the $1.50 Possible Delivery stamp. This stamp, according to Zambriski, harkens back to the early (some might same modern) days of Flubug when mail delivery was never a certainty. possible-delievery-stamp

The third re-issue, eagerly anticipated by collectors, is the 75 cent delivery stamp known as the Fat Chance that made its debut during The Great Apathy at the turn of the last century. The Fat Chance, perhaps the most common stamp known to Flubuggers, holds the least likelihood of being delivered. However, packages were delivered in less remote areas during its use (which trickled off with the introduction of the more reliable Slim Chance delivery stamp in 1935).

fat-chance

 

 

 

 

 

 

Zambiski says the 200% increase in price over last year’s stamps (themselves re-issued) include the cost of re-issuing the treasured stamps and “ensuring we can make good on our promises.”

The decision to move forward with a grand jury investigation will depend “on large part,” according to an official close to the Board of Supervisors (Jim Butterman), “on the public’s reaction to the price increase and services provided.”

He went on to say Zambiski is “an idiot who should never have been promoted past the rank of mailman” and that [the Board] has no faith that Zambski’s scheme will improve service beyond the level of the infamous “mail toss” used to deliver mail to the Tinwawa after they were thrown into the Miasma.

Junior Underachievers

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One thought on “Zambiski: Stamps To Increase by 200%

  1. Pingback: 2016 Flubug: The Year in Review | The Flubug Bugle

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