Pax McCauley, grandson to the only goat horn-playing antique dealer in town, has astonished his friends and the astronomical community at large with the discovery of a massive black hole above Nailyard.
The results, published in the Nailyard’s TV Guide, breathe new life into the discredited theory that prehistoric beasts roam the region by offering wormholes as a possible explanation. Wormholes might also explain how the Titanic wound up in Tanwater Lake and why Dooley keeps coming back, year after year.
The scholarly paper, tucked between the crossword puzzle and the burial assistance insert, claims the black hole is so massive it filled McCauley’s entire lens. He estimates it at roughly “two hundred solar masses” and claims it’s “almost conspiratorial” that no one ever mentioned it before.
“I’ve been watching the skies since I was a kid and this is like nothing I’ve ever seen,” said McCauley, squinting at the cameras. “It’s as if all the light in the night sky was suddenly eaten up!”
McCauley, who only a year ago, said….
Okay, okay. Enough is enough.
CORRECTION: Since republishing this story on Tuesday we’ve since discovered that McCauley not only has cataracts; he neglected to take off his lens cover. We’ve also discovered he has a rare light phobia that compels him to tape the windows in his grandfather’s basement with Hefty bags and is addicted to caffeinated lozenges. Gramps begged us not to print this correction and even offered free goat horn lessons for a year (an $8 value). But you know what? To hell with him. Pax is an idiot and everyone knows it. And shame on the Nailyard TV Guide for publishing his ramblings. Of course, in Nailyard, this kind of story probably counts as pretty good copy. Thank God we hold ourselves to a higher standard.