Dickwadd Proposes No Child Unremanded Legislation

Dickwadd Probation Services, the for-profit probation company that mounted a costly battle this year to stop pre-approved bail, lost their fight this afternoon in a closed door session of the Legislature when the bill went down to defeat by a vote of 18-7.

The defeat, widely attributed to Mayor Ornery’s threats to expose Dickwadd’s Legislative Summit attendees to their wives, was not unexpected. Pundits, including our own cracker jack political analysts (okay, political science interns from J.J. Dyn-O-Mite Elementary School), were in near agreement that the bill was dead on arrival, especially after it was learned that a grand jury investigation into the disappearance of 16 strippers who allegedly provided entertainment at the strip club summit was in the offing.

Seasoned Analyst

What no one saw coming, including our seasoned analysts, was the counter proposal put forth by CEO Carlton Dickwadd, Jr. in this afternoon’s proceedings. That proposal, dubbed No Child Unremanded, would grant Dickwadd an option to purchase the cash-strapped Brackwater Correctional Institution and run it privately into perpetuity for an undisclosed sum.

In exchange, Dickwadd would build a much-needed college K-6 school in Nailyard (Brackwater Li’l Inmates Center), a junior high school in Lusher (Brackwater Juvenille Detention Center), a pre-school to replace My Little Pony Daycare (My Little Brackwater), a technical school to replace Flubug High (Brackwater Foundry) and an orphanage (Brackwater Crib) to fill the vacant tract known as the Down County Wren Assistance Ranch.

When asked about Flubug Stadium, Dickwadd suggested the embarrassing structure could be replaced with a state-of-the-art sports arena (with the “right incentives”) and that such a plan was “well within the realm of possibilities” if the bill were to pass.

In a nod to legislators whose constituencies have long yearned for a professional sports team (which is pretty much everyone), Dickwadd added that Stateline Slots’ owner Benji Katonis had already “shown an interest” in making a move to Flubug if the opportunity arises.

polo-jonesPolo Jones, Director of Education and Corrections, was quick to voice his support for the measure calling it an “important step in integrating the county’s education and justice systems.”

Cal Winston, Deputy Chair of the Flubug Athletic Association, called the bill an “absolute necessity” and said the Slots’ relocation would mean high-paying jobs and increased entrepreneurial opportunities for everyone.

Mayor Ornery was also quick to back the alternative measure calling it a “win-win” for education, sports and the “brave men and women who serve in our correctional institutions.”

But not everyone agrees. Dexter Cornweiser, former quarterback for the Brackwater Brayers, claims the proposal is nothing more than attempt to turn the private corrections industry into a vertical monopoly. According to Cornweiser, Dickwadd has never shown an interest in education “except when he damn near killed that 8 year-old with a golf ball!”

Just to be clear, Dickwadd was cleared of any wrong doing in that case, an outcome that had nothing to do with the $75,000 donation he made to District Attorney Mayweather Simms’ re-election campaign.






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