BREAKING – Terrorists in a lone caboose, suspiciously unhooked from a freight train carrying six tons of 8″ brad nails from Nailyard, threw at least three homemade bombs from the car two miles south of Vermouth in what authorities are calling the “dumbest terror attempt in Flubug history.”
The blast, which could be heard up to fifteen feet away, spewed nails in several directions, injuring a drunken possum, two darting gophers and a rare fartingale that was perched nearby out of sheer curiosity.
No one has yet claimed responsibility for the ludicrous attack and police are still looking for the would-be terrorists who fled on foot after the
explosion event. But authorities have been able to find clues to the assailants’ identities including a Rilesville flag found inside the rail car and a driver’s license poorly redacted by what investigators say may have been a Sharpee.
“Whoever did this was clearly trained in Rilesville,” said Blake Mosley, lead investigator for the Flubug Bureau of Investigation. “The ordnance detonated a good four miles from any conceivable target, evidence was left at the scene, including a driver’s license, and they had no plan of escape except to run and we’re chasing them down now. Unless this is some eco-terrorist group with a grudge against gophers, I’m guessin” it was a typical Rilesville attack.”
Sheriff “Big Dog” Ramsey, locked in a battle with Leighton Laraboo Washington to keep his job in November, was quick to respond:
“The unforgivable crime we saw today in Vermouth clearly demonstrates the need to revive my Enhanced Inquisition Program which was gutted by bleeding heart socialists like Laraboo Washington in 2009. That program kept us safe for almost six years and I would hope the idiots in Balto will now reconsider their decision.”
“Sheriff Ramsey’s suggestion that we legalize iron maidens or whatever he used in his last term in office is a calculated ploy to tap our fears in pursuit of his quest for unbridled authority. Torture is not who we are as a people. Floggings, maybe. But not torture.”
More as details come in.