Ponzi Hut, the casual drop-in financial chain that caters to math-adverse trust babies, has opened a new office at Humbert and Pencil Place in the heart of the WOPP District. The chain, recently cleared of securities fraud for selling shares of an alleged iridium mine on Easter Island, has a new slate of financial products that not only comply with the regulations enacted after the Great Recession, they sometimes approach legality.
“Dream-backed” securities (DBS), which bundle sub-prime appliance loans with child support payments purchased from Down County Protective Services, offer the chance at an 8%-10% return for those who don’t mind the risk. D-rated corporate bonds backed by the full faith and credit of high flying, buyback-fueled non-preferred stock, can fetch up to 12% annual returns. And credit swap derivatives based on a ratio of the 50-day moving average in volatility of Nick Carz’ racetrack odds vs. the chance Hope Faydz will go bankrupt before December 2016 can earn an astounding 325% return for some lucky
For those less prone to take on risk, Ponzi offers a wide variety of investment vehicles tailored to your needs including Annualized Pension Annuity Trusts which fold your pension payments into a real estate investment trust that pays monthly benefits on an annual basis, extending the life of your pension by two hundred years. If you’re worried about your heirs, assets can be fully protected from taxation by transferring them to Ponzi Hut for possible distribution upon your death.
Any way you slice it, Ponzi Hut has something for everyone. Stop in today to see how Ponzi Hut can help you!
This shameless plug was entirely paid for by Ponzi Hut.