Police Subdue Man Being “Chased By Electricity”

police-sceneFlubug Police have arrested a 31-year old Lusher man who led them on a high speed chase this morning through the gooseneck at Disfigure and into East Eunice on Highway 9. The man, who police say trashed a police cruiser, sideswiped two cars and broke into Mauvier’s Equestrian Village (owned by Kip “Francois” Mauvier), gave chase after ditching his ’81 Grand Am at Maim Street. He was taken into custody after being placed in a protective coma and booked on a variety of charges including trashing a police cruiser, sideswiping two cars and breaking into Kip Mauvier’s stable.

Bail was set at $62 million.

Balto College of Learning adAccording to an officer at the scene, the arrested man said he was being “chased by electricity” and was trying to avoid electrocution. Officers did their best to accommodate the man’s hallucinations by tasing him until he lost consciousness. But police now believe the man may have been high on bath salts, sold openly on the Lusher market as “recreational brine.”

“It’s frustrating as hell, but what can we do?” shrugged one police officer. “The City of Lusher is the only city in Down County that lets its residents smoke bath salts in public after the bars close. It’s no wonder they have problems with other jurisdictions.”

 

And those problems may be mounting.

The City of Eunice has made it clear they will no longer tolerate Lusher drunks on their highways and have tripled fines and jail time for violators. The City of Disfigure took a similar step, tripling fines while encouraging Lusher drunks to “stop by.” Vermouth is said to be considering more draconian measures that would allow police to shoot drunk drivers in the interest of public safety.

“We might not be able to stop them from smoking bath salts,” said one Vermouth officer familiar with the legislation. “But we’re sure as hell gonna get ’em off our highways.”

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