The latest move to bring civic pride, a chic makeover (and cash) to the area west of Pencil Place (WOPP) came today in a well-rehearsed announcement at the site of the previously-proposed Pencil Place retail complex.
Speaking to members of the city council, mayor’s office and the Flubug Corps of Engineers (right), Hope Faydz, Flubug’s high-rolling self-proclaimed realty czarina, unveiled her newest real estate development deal from high atop a hastily-erected scaffold on the muddy site.
“I want you all to use your imagination,” Faydz said as the mic let out an ear-shattering squeal. “I want you to imagine a six story, 30,000 square foot office complex right here!”
Faydz pointed to a clump of yarrow clutching a chain link fence for life. “Over there will be our anchor tenant – the corporate headquarters of Shitfit, the largest manufacturer of personal diuretic meters in the state!”
“Over there will be a flagship Pushin’ Mud coffee boutique!”
It started to rain as she introduced Shitfit CEO, Marco Straus-Laurence.
“Everyone counts their calorie intake these days,” beamed Laurence. “But what about calories that go the other way?” The crowd stared as if waiting for a punchline. “Shitfit is ready to bet that people will pay though the… …to track their bodily fluids… …in both directions!”
The crowd chuckled at the word “pay.”
“We’re ready to commit to Pencil Place Megaplex and we’re ready to commit our proprietary Pushin’ Mud coffee boutique at this location.”
The crowd thinned as it started to pour.
“We can make this happen!” Faydz shouted after them, her voice getting raspy. “All of us together, hand in hand.” The last stragglers disappeared, dashing through the mud to their cars. “Use your goddamn imagination!” Faydz screamed. “This is gonna be huge!”
Faydz is the latest in a group of entrepreneurs who seek to refashion (rebrand their worthless real estate) the (still) decrepit area of Beantown into a fashionable (high rent) district of art galleries, dirty martini bars, organic eateries and nightclubs called WOPP.
The radio personality-turned-real estate developer recently purchased the three square blocks bordering Pencil Place from 2nd (Fever) St. to 4th St. (Humbert Ave) and brokered what some consider to be a hostile takeover of The Ditch. An unknown buyer has since paid cash for the two blocks between 4th and 6th Streets.
Shitfit CEO, Marco Straus-Laurence (a compulsive hand-washer) wanted us to let you know that sample diuretic devices will be handed out free (with menudo purchase) in Wild Bill’s men’s room this Sunday (while supplies last).