In what may be the greatest discovery since Vince Pinelli found his cane in the Hole of Mystery, Karen Goodwell, author of the runaway bestseller If Crows Could Speak, has discovered a “race of incredibly dumb aliens” living on the outskirts of Graphite Cornerz.
The creatures, which Goodwell describes as “extraterrestrial” and “at least a hundred years behind mankind,” are considerably smaller than humans – about the size of Tommy “Whaddayalookinat” Gunther – and covered with hair. They also have an odd habit of plugging their ears and singing “la la la la la la la” whenever humans try to communicate with them.
Goodwell, who spent a decade trying decode the ramblings of crows, believes she’s found the key to this strange behavior. “Being incredibly dumb, I believe they put their fingers in their ears to listen more closely. When that doesn’t work they become frustrated and simply start singing.”
Zoologists at Beseech Academy, however, were quick to dismiss that explanation as well as her entire “discovery.”
“They’re chimpanzees, for chrissakes!” said Hermann von Paulis, Professor Emeritis Alien Zoology at Beseech Academy. “They probably escaped from Barking Circus during the snowstorm last year. Naturally they fled to Graphite Cornerz. What better place to blend in?”
Others aren’t so sure.
“I hates to admit it, but I ain’t heard hide nor hair o’ anything on them satellite dishes. Course, I was always figurin’ them aliens’d be smarter than us. Now I’m thinkin’ maybe they’s so dumb we cain’t even understand ’em!”
Authorities, acting on the assumption Goodwell is right, have set up a perimeter around the area and are poised to move in.
“Any time you got an alien-type situation,” said Sheriff Ramsey. “you’ve got the po-tential fer violence. I’m not sayin’ it’s fer sure gonna happen. But in cases like this it’s always best to shoot first an’ ask questions later.”
“We don’t know what idiot decided our chimps were aliens. But we urge Sheriff Ramsey to use restraint and not shoot our precious animals. There’s an election coming up and a lot of voters go to the circus. Need we say more?”
Goodwell could not be reached by phone after her alien discovery was publicly challenged and did not have an opportunity to comment on this article. However her agent, Bling Grossman with Sampson & Sampson, told The Bugle she’s been signed to write “a trilogy” loosely based on this most recent discovery.
Gramps McCauley, not to be outdone, added that if the discovery turns out to be real, he’ll add a likeness of Karen Goodwell to his (financially struggling) House of Wax.
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