Flubug Police are conducting a tent-to-tent manhunt in Graphite Cornerz for Hellions front man “Firebug,” suspected of involvement in Saturday’s oil drum fire. The fire, which sent possums scurrying and neighboring towns drawing legal battles, was responsible for at least one death (a chipmunk) and sent dozens of vacation-seeking firemen in a vain attempt to find Flubug Hospital.
The flamboyant front man, who changed his name from Otto Spoogeman while serving a five year sentence at Brackwater Correctional Facility, is wanted for questioning in at least six other blazes. Those fires, including the 2012 warehouse fire that leveled an entire block and the Bradshaw Fire Chief’s career when it was learned he had the only fire engine at Quik Fux, all point to “Firebug.”
“The guy is a menace,” said Sheriff Ramsey, while searching Quik Fux for possible leads. “We found a ‘Hellions’ gas can at the scene of the crime so we know it’s him. No one else could have coordinated an operation of this mag …you know.. size.”
But freedom buffs, mostly socialists from Balto, were quick to assail police for what they call an “overstep of authority.”
“This wasn’t a highly coordinated crime,” said Heather Hart, spokesperson for the domestic terror group, Lavender Condition. “It was an oil drum fire, probably set by kids. Why is it always Firebug’s fault?”
But such opinions are clearly in the minority. The Hellions, whose pyrotechnic displays draw huge crowds and larger controversies, were barred from performing in Flubug three years ago. The order, announced when “Firebug” became the top suspect in a string of arsons, was defied by Ditch owner, Mandy Manley who headlined the band without apology.
The club nearly caught fire.
Since then, The Hellions have stopped all scheduled performances in favor of random “pop-ups” in Rilesville and Quagmire. But police have been unable to catch the elusive “Firebug.”
“Sooner or later they all screw up,” says Deputy Fish, who denied rumors he’s having a gay affair with a nineteen year old running back. “We always get our man.”