Carson To Offer Free Rides on New Year’s Eve

Carson's Car Service is In the Flubug "Fishtail." Where Carson is, is anyone's guess. CarsonIn what has become a recurring tradition, Carson’s Car Service (located in the “Fishtail“) will again offer free rides to drunken Flubuggers on New Year’s Eve.

The elusive service, run by 69-year old Carl Carson, says it will have its full fleet of vehicles (both) in service from 1:00am to 3:00am. They’re also rolling out a new feature (beside spares) – Myft, an app that promises faster pickups, more reliable drop-offs and will “revolutionize the way we think of cab service!”

mift-appCarson, who carved a niche for himself in the ’80s by offering arm rests and bamboo seats, admits he’s had problems in the past. “But this app will solve everything. No more missed pickups. No wrong addresses. And you won’t be forgotten. You have my word.”

But being “forgotten” is exactly what Carson’s customers expect. Jelli Glitzcreek, who walked six miles in blinding winds and sub-zero temperatures last year, says she’ll never use the service again.

“No matter what the weather or how long you wait, you never get a cab, especially on New Year’s Eve. Carson’s too busy getting wasted at the AC.”

Dice MurphyThose lucky enough to have conjured a ride in the past also have mixed reviews. Dice Murphy, night cook at Dem Bones Family Restaurant, says Carson’s cabs are completely unkempt.

“I don’t think the bamboo seats have ever been cleaned. The stench of cigarettes, Fausts and vomit is so strong you end up getting out before your destination. Last year I ended up at the Bat Museum at 3:00am.”

Others question whether Carson even has an app. Dylan Mocha, whose technical prowess created SimWork, says: “He has a picture of an app, yes. But it doesn’t work. It doesn’t do anything. If you need a ride home tonight, take the Circulator.”

main-st-circularBut revelers who think the Main Street Circulator (repurposed this year as a bar-hopping shuttle) is more reliable may be in for a disappointment. The Circulator has discontinued the practice of driving drunks to their front door in favor of dropping them at undisclosed destinations billed as “mystery stops.”

“It’s fun! It’s exciting! It’s a mystery!” claims Ambrose Dickwadd, who purchased the Circulator just days before the holidays: “It’s a new twist on an old idea. And who doesn’t love a good mystery?”

Those who find themselves “mysteriously” lost may want to call Carson. Short of that, you can take your chances with the (90) checkpoints set up throughout the county or apply for a pass by making a donation to Sheriff Ramsey’s re-election campaign at 1-800-GODOG16. But hurry! The hour’s getting late.

Happy New Year!

drink-responsibly

 

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