During the two days they were in session, the Legislature passed some new laws that go into effect January 1st for everyone except them. Some are common sense laws like not shooting nail guns after dark and keeping your methamphetamine in child-proof containers. Others are more nuanced and might be overlooked if not for the keen eye of our legal team here at The Bugle (and believe us, our legal team is pretty busy).
For example, starting Jan. 1st it will no longer be legal to sleep on car bumpers. The practice, first popularized when Sheriff Ramsey backed into a vagrant, came under scrutiny in 2011 when Carlton Dickwadd, Jr. successfully argued that a man asleep on his hood caused him to drive into a crowded bus stop.
Sponge windshield wipers will also be outlawed come Jan. 1st. The popular alternative has seen strong opposition from local businesses like Bob Willis’ Pawn Shop & Used Car Parts, who claim traditional wiper sales have tapered off to a (trickle). FHP will be adding three new checkpoints to the 87 checkpoints already in place. So watch that windshield!
The Goat Folk Protection Act will finally bring equality to those who dress like goats, are under medical supervision for a recognized goat disorder, or have successfully completed goat reassignment surgery. The Act, which takes effect on midnight Jan. 1st, will grant “goat folk” the same rights and protections afforded other protected classes (which is none) and elevate offenses against them to hate crimes. Of course the last word always rests with the peace officer and his onboard sentencing software!
And of course, 2016 will be all about security. Starting Jan. 1st, the FTA will issue new heightened security bus passes that expire every ten minutes. The passes, which can be reauthorized at any of the kiosks they hope to be included in next year’s budget, will alert riders of an impending expiration with a mild shock so they can quickly exit the bus. The FTA estimates the added security measures will increase revenues by 600% by 2017.
Starting Jan. 1st all airline passengers departing Beseech Airstrip will be required to show a passport (with naked photo) to parking lot attendants, baggage claim attendants, valets, taxicab drivers, baristas, FTA security personnel, check-in stewards, gift shop managers, part time food court employees, book store cashiers and of course stewardess. Job applications are “piling up” according to Beseech officials who expect applications to triple before the end of January.
Don’t say we didn’t warn you!