Weatherman Scooped From Icy Lake

dymond-lake-polar-bear-clubOne-time Channel 13 meteorologist, Gray Halsey, who lost his job in 2012 when it was learned that his weather predictions were based on a defunct satellite that sent weather data from 1979, was found swimming in the frigid waters of Tanwater Lake this afternoon with his trademark umbrella.

Halsey, who suffered a concussion at last year’s Civil War Enactment when he was struck by a blunderbuss, was immediately rushed to Flubug Memorial Hospital. Yet after several hours of searching for the elusive health center he was re-routed to the Poor Farm Family Fun Park at his own request. His condition, much like his weather reports, is listed as uncertain.

Doctors at the Fun Park, who split their time between patients and maintaining the park’s seventeen thrill rides, say Halsey’s only hope is his lifelong belief that he was frozen alive 13,000 years ago while eating ferns along Tanwater Lake.Gray_Halsey

According to Dr. Suarmaguooda, whose diagnoses have been almost as haywire as Halsey’s weather reports: “He may have been trying to re-enact an event he’s convinced happened centuries ago. Than again, he might be a lunatic. We’ll never know until we find a real doctor.”

Halsey’s bizarre behavior first drew attention in 2011 when he stated on the air that he was convinced the pterodactyl sightings in Nailyard were real and that they provided the first actual proof that prehistoric creatures roam Tanwater Lake to this day.

When the “Titanic” was discovered in the lake, he told viewers the discovery was in line with his own predictions and offered to help Flublue raise the ship. However, both incidents were later proven to be hoaxes by paleontologists (okay, Coll Smithers at Beseech Academy) who said: “Anyone who believes this nonsense should be committed,” which led to Halsey’s dismissal at Channel 13.

At this point it’s not certain if Halsey will be committed. It’s not even certain he’ll live. Station Manager, Doug Houghton, summed up the situation in a tearful statement:

“Gray was with Channel 13 for over ten years. He’ll be in everyone’s prayers and we hope he pulls through. But there’s no way goddamn way we’re taking him back.”

Retch Carlson, who convinced Halsey to study meteorology in 1976 after seeing his act at the Siesta Lounge, said: “Halsey was always a tortured soul. He was never really good at anything., but that never stopped him from trying. Ya gotta admire that.”

Gray’s signature umbrella was recovered from the lake and will remain outside his hovel at the Poor Farm for at least three days. A representative from the Overmeyer Historical Society, hoping for his quick recovery, expressed an interest in purchasing the umbrella for display in the Overmeyer Museum Gift Shop. “Unless, of course, he doesn’t die.”

Well wishers are encouraged to bring flowers, cards (and blankets) to the Poor Farm.

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