Let’s face it. Times are tough in Flubug. Even a lean-to in Mulligan is up 650%. And with hunting season just a week away in Tanwater Park, it’s not looking good for the homeless.
But one homeless couple has done alright by themselves. That is, until they got caught Thursday night in the Pay & Pay attic in Graphite Cornerz.
It all happened when employees in the break room heard repeated banging from the ceiling. When they investigated, they discovered the couple engaged in sexual intercourse on a queen sized bed with the headboard banging against an attic divider.
Within minutes the Flubug Police were on the scene with 200 officers, six Humvees and a tank, and subdued the couple, Wilbert Wank, 47, and Ingrid Grinks, 56.
According to Deputy Fisk, who headed the SWAT team, the pair had been living in the attic for over two years and amassed an impressive array of household goods, all pilfered from Pay & Pay, including a refrigerator, 42″ LED TV, bedroom set, patio furniture, $500 gas barbecue grill, washer, dryer, hundreds of clothes, a bear trap, one hot plate and a copy of Meth For Dummies.
“I really don’t know how they did it,” laughed Fisk. “They even spliced into the store’s satellite TV and ordered the Inside Flubug Tonight Premium channels!”
During his confession, extracted after only three waterboard treatments, Wank also admitted to stealing a tube of K-Y Jelly Yours+Mine which, he lamented, “screwed up everything and got us busted.”
The couple face multiple charges including robbery, trespassing, cooking meth without giving Sheriff Ramsey his cut, reckless entanglement and being incredibly stupid. Officers on the scene suggested he also be charged with “having sex with a corpse.” Their arraignment is set for Monday morning in Flubug Superior Court.