Scientists (okay, first year science majors) at Beseech Academy announced today that they may have a clue to the syndrome that’s caused eight mass shootings in the last ten days. Speaking from the Beseech Academy Administration Building cafeteria, Westmoreland “Westy” Faydz, exonerated last year for an alleged hazing incident said he and his fellows at the Science Department have isolated a gene they believe is responsible, in part, for the mayhem.
The news, though hopeful, brought little relief to family members and friends still grieving the loss of eighty eight Christmas shoppers who were killed on Tuesday by a Rilesville couple who somehow procured a Humvee, six cruise missiles, a tank, two flame throwers and a hundred grenades. Officials at the FBI (Flubug Bureau of Investigation) remain tight-lipped about their theories, and even less forthcoming about how a seemingly normal couple could amass such an arsenal without detection, but the receptionist informed us they’re now investigating the crime as an act of terror which means anything is possible.
But that conclusion doesn’t satisfy Faydz who insists there’s a physiological connection to the rash of mass shootings. According to Faydz, who switched his major last year from Interdiction and Crop Dusting to Science 101, the shootings are part of a syndrome he dubs “Immaculate Radicalization.” This syndrome seems to manifest only in outwardly normal Rilesville residents who, once afflicted, gain the uncanny ability to surpass all hurdles in obtaining weapons, crossing borders and eluding Down County intelligence (though, we admit, that isn’t hard). Faydz also maintains that the syndrome gives these Rilesvillians an overnight knowledge of ordnance and a temper that causes violent rages over seemingly mundane things, like cartoons or pork being served at a restaurant.
“There’s also an odd connection with police and military training exercises,” claims Gen. Albert Stone (Ret.) whose Karzai doll fiasco cost him his pension and a possible job as Professor of Terrorism at Balto’s College of Southern Munitions. “In each case, the shooters are always within several miles of a police or military training exercise. It’s almost as if folks who schedule these exercises have a sixth sense about when and where these shootings are gonna occur.”
Others, like Heather Hart, paralegal for the advocacy group People Against Mass Poisoning, disagree. “I think it should be illegal for anyone but police and government officials to own guns. After all, they’re our friends.”
A vigil will be held for the eighty eight slain shoppers at 6pm at the Black Lung Memorial on the south side of Kingman’s Slope. Mayor Bobby Ornery, Sheriff Ramsey and Pastor Fuerguson Jenkins are expected to attend as well as Shonda Taft who cut short her Rilesville tour to stand in solidarity with the families.