Moxie’s Cup N Saucer – A lone, self styled mullah seized several hostages this morning at Moxie’s Cup N Saucer leading to a four-hour standoff with police and the accidental tazing of five wren hens. The man, identified as “Moswald,” entered the café at 4am, police say, when he became enraged that Halal bird wings weren’t on the menu. He then brandished a “large, rusted paint scraper” and ordered everyone present – two kitchen workers, patrons Esmerelda Watkins, Deb, Nick Carz, and a midget waitress – into the back where Moxies’ prize wren hens were kept.
Once in the back, Moswald announced his real objective: to transport the birds to his native Rilesville where they would be fed hummus 24 hours a day and forced to observe Sharia law.
Tensions grew as the standoff dragged on until Sheriff “Big Dog” Ramsey, clearly miffed at the interruption to his holiday vacation, summoned Paul Pot, the mysterious recluse from Bradshaw’s Pike, to apply his “broad diplomatic experience.”
Pot, who began the negotiations by declaring, “we rip out your eyes if you don’t come out,” started with high hopes, but he never got to speak with Moswald directly. Instead he negotiated with local cheat, and opportunistic proxy, Nick Carz, who quickly substituted the mullah’s demands for seventy-five cartons of cigarettes, fifty cases of Faust and a dozen automatic rifles.
The incident ended shortly after 8am when frustrated police stormed the café, rescued the hostages and tazed the prize hens specifically raised for Moxie’s holiday menu.
Moswald was later released on his own recognizance.
Though far from a household name, Moswald was well known to local authorities. He was cited on dozens of occasions for littering, failure to disperse, understanding the local dialect in Quagmire and “general backtalk” in connection with his street rants and distribution of leaflets supporting “Fair Play for Rilesville.”
He was also seen brandishing a paint scraper on several occasions, bragging that he could make the weapon “cast shadows in any direction.”
Asked why local police released a man as unstable as Moswald, Sheriff Ramsey said only, “It’s Christmas.”
A June referendum banned Sharia law in all of unincorporated Rilesville though it remains legal throughout Down County.