Balto Weather Center – Winter Storm Dong continues to wreak havoc across northern Down County as Balto meteorologists scramble to find a scapegoat for their inaccurate forecasts. Drake Conyers, who called for “flurries” on Friday, admitted to News 13 viewers that he has “no clue” why the storm is intensifying and suggested Barking brace for “the worst blizzard in anyone’s memory.”
KRAK meteorologist Blitz Kalloway, who predicted a “mild winter,” said residents in the path of Dong’s fury could see snow accumulations of over three feet and gave it a BlitzCon rating of 10.
Meanwhile officials in Barking have reported whiteout conditions in almost every precinct of the settlement with tents blown down, circus animals running wild and at least six midgets unaccounted for. Vermouth was also hard hit with extensive damage to the Bat Museum, King’s Humidor and Water Buffaloes Lodge.
All communication with Rilesville was lost at 3am Sunday morning when 75mph winds and blinding snow ripped through the area. At least six people are confirmed dead. Two men died while trying to wade through waist-deep snow with a half rack of Faust. Another man died when his tobaggan slid into the Miasma from the F-80 “bottleneck.” An eldery woman froze to the hood of her car while waiting for the Rilesville Trading Post to open. A grape farmer died when he fell down his own well. And a janitor died when he accidentally set fire to the Quagmire rest stop.
Meteorologists at the Balto Weather Center say Dong will continue its southwest trajectory, hitting Lusher, Eunice, Disfigure and Mulligan this afternoon, and Nailyard, Flubug, Hormel and Stateline by tomorrow night. Temperatures are expected to drop into the single digits.
Flubug could see up to four feet of snow.
All unnecessary travel should be cancelled. Alcoholics in Lusher are advised to stock up in advance of the storm. Horses in Eunice should be moved indoors as with downer pigs in Hormel. The homeless in Mulligan are advised to seek shelter at Graphite Tents or the many caves that dot the hillsides along Tanwater Park Road.
Tanwater State Park and Watersbad Lookout will be closed through New Years Day.
Other closures, cancellations and notices:
- Lil Arsonists Club field trip to Tire Fire City has been cancelled
- Junior Underachievers weekly Pong Tournament has been cancelled
- Womyn With Problems weekly euthanasia booster has been cancelled
- Meals For Wheels will only accept keys mailed to the office thru Jan. 1st
- Christmas “Slay Ride” at The Ditch will be rescheduled
- Overmeyer Historical Society’s “Infernal Flubug” has been cancelled
- Bohunks’ Saturday shuttle to Horseman’s Park has been cancelled
- Beseech Academy air field will remain closed to all but rendition flights
- Hot meals at Crossley’s Nursing Home have been cancelled
- Funzy’s All-U-Can-Eat Tater Tot Tuesdays has been cancelled
Keep up to date with developing weather stories with The Bugle!
Bugle Weather Desk Chief, Max Crocus, contributed by telephone to this story. He may be reached at email@example.com