Poison Wells – Much of Northeast Down County is paralyzed under blizzard conditions this evening as Winter Storm Dong continues to pummel the area with heavy snows and near-hurricane force winds. Accumulations of up to ten feet have been reported at the Quagmire Summit and Watersbad Canyon Pass. Whiteout conditions persist throughout the region. F-80 has been closed to all but emergency personnel, many of whom have seized the opportunity to loot stranded vehicles to fund Christmas parties.
Power outages are widespread, a trend which began when GEPCO merged all utility services in Down County, and officials say it may be weeks, even months, before the firm has enough interest to send crews to the area.
Makeshift plows have been sent from neighboring Vermouth to Poison Wells, a move thought to be indicative of thawing relations. But Poison Wells’ Selectman “Two Buck Chuck” characterized the gesture as “hollow.”
“If they really want to help, why not send real plows instead of shovels duct taped to compacts?”
The FluCross and area businesses have set up shelters for local residents at affordable prices. Other businesses, like Rilesville’s Bloody Dagger have chosen to remain open. Dagger proprietor, Reece Blacksmith (“Blacky”) characterized his decision as “a no brainer,” saying, “after six or eight Fausts these guys don’t give a rat if they’re snowed in.”
Meterologists at the Balto Weather Center, who’ve correctly predicted 6 of the last 514 blizzards, say the storm should subside “within a week” and suggest area residents “bundle up” because “it’s gonna get cold.”
But Gray Halsey, the BWC meterologist suspended for basing predictions on 1979 weather data from a defunct satellite, claims this is only the beginning.
“Tree ring samples taken from Poison Pines in the region suggest that Northeast Down County is entering a New Ice Age. If my calculations are correct, the area will be covered in a mile high ice by February.”
Halsey, who suffered a momentary concussion when he was hit with a blunderbuss in last year’s Civil War enactment in Eunice, also said last year’s sighting of a pterodactyl in Nailyard and the discovery of the Titanic in Tanwater Lake are in line with his predictions.