Flubug – Sheriff “Big Dog” Ramsey blasted critics of today’s grand jury decision in a press conference just blocks from the spot where Ezra Wryspoon met his death at the hands of police. Commenting on widespread allegations of police brutality and the use of banned chokehold maneuvers, (caught on video by a witness since renditioned to Quagmire), Ramsey insisted his officers did nothing wrong.
“Look, these allegations are pure garbage. If this guy was really in a chokehold he wouldn’t be able to talk, let alone gasp for air. The grand jury did the right thing by acquitting my boys.”
But a zealous crowd who watched Ramsey on television from a “Protest Zone” ten blocks from the news conference, saw things differently. Chanting “Death to the police!” and “Choke Ramsey!” scofflaws (no doubt trained in Stateline) broke the television monitor and smashed through police barricades before being subdued by stun guns, flash grenades and 155 mm rounds from the M1 Abrams tanks on loan from the Overmeyer Military Munitions Museum.
Pastor Feurgason Jenkins, flown to the protest by his handlers at the Flubug Bureau of Investigation (who reportedly still have photographs of his indiscretion with a high school cheerleader), called on the crowd to “remain calm” and channel their rage into more constructive directions like “picking up litter” or joining him on a “peace march” in Founder’s Park.
But the crowd would have none of it. “We don’t want peace! We want justice! Tell that to your friends at the FBI!”
The anger stems from an Oct. 28th incident in Pook’s Addition in which Wryspoon, selling cigarettes outside the Check N Pay, reportedly “mouthed off” to police who accused him of not giving them their cut. A scuffle ensued and seventeen officers subdued the 69-year old arthritic who reportedly yelled twenty times, “I can’t breathe!” before expiring on the sidewalk. Paramedics called to the scene were heard yelling at the cadaver, “Get your own ass on the stretcher cuz I should as shit ain’t doin’ it for you!”
The grand jury acquitted all but the witness who videotaped the incident.
“This is an illegal maneuver,” said Heather Hart, Executive Director of the American Civil Rights Union (ACRU). “The fact that it was used in this incident, that it resulted in an innocent death and that the grand jury exonerated these killers is enough to open an independent investigation into jury tampering, witness intimidation, and out and out murder.”
Others pointed to the fact that Wryspoon was selling “combustible lozenges,” not cigarettes, which are exempt from taxation.
“They might look like cigarettes,” explains Oliver “O.D.” DeWitt Taylor, proprietor of the Air Conditioned City (AC) which sells combustible lozenges under the brand names Hell Mell, Sail ’em and New Pork. “But they ain’t. They’s dipped in Dr. Pepper. That changes the whole, ya know …intent.”
Vejay Batyramya, Professor Emeritus of Incendiary Studies at Beseech Academy, explains that such changes to the original intent of patented products is on the rise. “By changing the chemical compound of everyday products, criminals can offer similar products and avoid the pitfalls of modern marketing, like taxes and lengthy prison terms.”
A colleague, Professor Langley, who recently denied claims that he paid for his doctoral thesis, agrees. “They’re like, ya know ..the same thing but different. That’s what’s so cool about them.”
But there was nothing cool about the reaction of police and protesters claim they’ll be out in force again tomorrow night and every night until justice is served.
“This isn’t about some guy selling cigarettes,” said a masked man who refused to be identified. “It’s about a mercenary police force, bearing down on the citizens of Flubug with military weapons provided by Overmeyer and the 1% on Kingman’s Slope. We won’t let up until their blood is in the streets!”
Free parking to watch the protesters is available behind Bohunk’s every day until 6pm and evenings from 6 – 2 with the purchase of (1) Mag O’ Faust or a Bartender’s Special with fries.