Ramsey Declares Mandate


Coming on the heels of his landslide win, Mayor Bobby Ornery, unopposed in the general election, declared a “mandate” this week and vowed to push through legislation that’s been mired in gridlock since he left for vacation in March.

Speaking with reporters on the steps of City Hall, hizzoner outlined his administration’s top ten priorities for the next four years:

1) “We need to get rid of health care. It’s too expensive, the city’s broke, and FluCross paid for my re-election campaign. So we damn sure can’t ask them for money.”

2) “We need to work together. That means I don’t want any discussion when I say how it’s gonna be. If you don’t like my ideas, put up your own signs and run for mayor.”

3) “We need a balanced budget. That means getting rid of earmark programs like the blood bank and the junior year at Flubug High. It also means selling the five acres we bought for Pencil Place.”

pencil-place4) “And speaking of Pencil Place, we need to find the sonofabitch who sold us that idea and throw him in jail!”

5) “We need comprehensive immigration deportation. If you want to stay in Flubug you can work for free through our ‘path to internship’ program. Otherwise, you can pack your bags.”


6) “We need to end our dependence on Stateline Faust. That means getting that Faust pipeline started from Lusher to Vermouth. $10 a six-pack is too much for people to pay. Flubug will not be intimidated by the Faust cartel.”faust-ad

7) “We need to pass the Yee Trade Agreement (YTA) to keep appliances, fireworks and electrical wiring cheap and reliable long into the next century (or at least next week).”

8) “We need a resolution to the Jenny Overmeyer case. I know it’s been more than fifty years since she disappeared. But we need to know what happened to that poor girl. And besdies, I need a juicy issue to raise money with my next direct mail campaign.”

9) “We need an end to the practice of protesting whenever folks feel like it. We tolerated that during the Psychedelic Flubug days and we ain’t about to go back. It’s 2014. If something’s that important, it better be important enough to do 5-10 without parole.”

10) “We need government that’s accountable to the people. That’s why I’m putting in a new voter hotline for the ten months I’m gone out of the year.”

Hizzoner declined to comment on the record low turnout which saw only three of Flubug’s twenty registered voters row out to the middle of Tanwater Lake to cast their vote at the county’s new polling station.



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