Death Toll Soars in Quagmire



The death toll in Quagmire continues to rise as plague spreadsBird Flu ad unabated through the region. In just three short months, a quarter of the population (pegged at 27 adults the last time census workers felt safe enough to count) has died of the illness that now threatens all of Down County.

Aid workers, a lunatic and six convicts, insist they’re overworked, under staffed and untrained to deal with the deadly virus. Many have threatened to walk off the job unless agreement is reached to ship basic humanitarian supplies (morphine and a hypodermic) to area hospitals. Others have left to care for loved ones or flee to the surrounding Miasma foothills.

Addressing the disaster, Quagmire mayor, Franklin Delano Bwanghana, whose fireside chats have won him the praise of critics who earlier chastised his move to Rilesville, appealed to Down County’s Health and Human Services Director, Ethel Axelroot, for assistance.

“I need cash and I need it now,” Bwanghana said. “And I need a plane out of this hellhole.”

But by week’s end agreement with HHS seemed far from certain.

ethel-axelroot-HHS-Director“We ain’t sending cash, and we sure as hell ain’t sending this guy a plane,” said Axelroot, annoyed at being woken at two in the afternoon. “If anything we’ll send a deputy to see why he never paid for the last shipment”

The mood at the State Capitol in Balto was less confrontational.

“If we don’t give this guy what he wants there’s no telling what he might do,” said Poison Wells’ Selectman Charles “Two Buck Chuck” Sumner who ties the outbreak of plague to the county’s refusal to lower the minimum wage. “He’s got an army of plague-riddled zombies who know the wages and care are better in Balto. What happens if they come here?”

But according to Leyden “Ben” Butler, congressional hopeful from Pook’s Addition, that’s already happened.

“The Dem Bones employee who died last week had recently traveled from Quagmire to Hormel,” said Butler, stunning reporters who gathered outside his office for free bird wings from Moxie’s. “Flubug Memorial knew he was from Quagmire, they knew he had plague, they knew he was contagious. Yet they did nothing to protect the community.”

Calls to Flubug Memorial Hospital went unanswered (though that’s far from unusual).

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