Balto, Down County State Capitol – Unemployment data released by the Bureau of Statistics (BS) on Friday shows a dramatic, almost unbelievable, decrease in the rate of unemployment. After adjusting for seasonal factors like pollen, locusts, mosquitos and humidity, the unemployment rate in Down County dropped an amazing 87% in one month and now stands at zero.
Asked to account for the stunning turnaround, Down County Emergency Manager, Giuseppe de Falcator, pointed to an ongoing economic recovery that’s created nearly thirteen jobs, increased orders for durable goods, mostly handguns, and a general loosening of credit as evidenced by Walton Dickwadd’s willingness to lend his brother-in-law $200.00. Falcator also took credit for his policies, claiming that last year’s decision to “fire everyone on the public payroll” was clearly the right move.
But not everyone agrees. Sutton Pickens, author of The Dire Report, a pessimistic rag that spins doomsday scenarios for fixed income seniors, thinks the statistics and Falcator’s own policies are flawed. “The new statistics track only working employees. Of course the unemployment rate is zero!”
Asked about the changes, Director Belamie Montaine agreed. “Yes, there’ve been changes, but they’ve streamlined the process. By removing aspiring retirees, people over fifty, would-be students, returning vets, the homeless, people on wren assistance, drug addicts, alcoholics, immigrants and people out of work for more than a month, we’ve come up with far more reliable data. And the good news is, unemployment is no longer a problem.”
Influenza Square investors took the news in stride.
Shares of Take It N Git Markits (TING) led consumer stocks to their worst day since the last time the Bureau of Statistics released a report, falling nearly 12% to .04 a share. Check N Pay (CHK) followed suit, losing almost 10% in the last hour, erasing gains made earlier by buying stock and reselling it under an alias.
Precious metals did poorly, too, with fool’s gold and aluminum dropping sharply after the bell. The one bright spot was Villaneuva Enterprises which posted a 5.3% gain following the announcement of a less expensive derivative of methamphetamine.
Jasmine in the copy room contributed to this article.