Political headwinds be damned, Poison Wells not only voted to disregard Down County Appeals Court’s recent decision to legalize same-sex marriage, the city voted to increase the penalty for anyone caught with a same sex marriage license.
Starting Tuesday, anyone caught with the paperwork from a same sex marriage could face 90 days in jail, a $5,000 fine or both if found guilty of “subborning the institution of marriage.” That, according to Trini “Trihorn” Kessler, head of the Local Poison Wells Chamber of Commerce and president of PoisonWellsWeddings.com, a one stop shop that matches bride and groom with wedding packages at his Poison Wells properties.
“It’s all inclusive,” he smiled as he offered a tour of The Grubby Horseshoe, his premier hotel. “You get the full honeymoon experience – bottle of Mateus, roman candle, chicklets and day-glo stars on the ceiling – all for half the price you’d pay at a Stateline resort. And you don’t have to deal with Adam and Steve kissing each other in the Homosexual Lobby!”
Asked about his opposition to the Appeals Court ruling on Monday he said flatly, “Folks ’round here ain’t got much use for big city folks who push things like men marrying men. It ain’t right. The Book of Jack says ‘verily the Lord said unto Jack that the bonds between Kennelites shall be forever pure and the bonds between Mandorines, forged between men, shall be punishable by fines, imprisonment or both.’ We’re just followin’ the good book here.”
But some “big city folk” aren’t amused.
“If Poison Wells wants to see what an injunction looks like they can enforce their new law,” warned Down County District Court Judge, Kitterly Kaysums, known lesbian and part owner of The King’s humidor in Vermouth. “But I think they’d do well to distance themselves from this clown. And who the hell drinks Mateus?”