Nafta Superhighway – Officials at Flubug Memorial Hospital have confirmed that a Dem Bones employee who recently returned from Quagmire is infected with bubonic plague. The employee, who “showed no sign of illness before he collapsed,” was rushed to a vacant lot near Flubug Memorial Hospital where he will be kept under observation until his ability to pay can be ascertained.
At a press conference held in a parking lot in Graphite Cornerz, to prevent anyone from discerning the hospital’s location, officials in plague masks played down the risks of deadly airborne viruses and urged the community to “remain calm.”
“Let me assure you,” a muffled voice spoke through an odd-looking mask. “We no longer live in the Middle Ages. We can treat the Black Death.” A coworker nudged his ribs. “I mean, plague. There’s absolutely no cause for alarm.”
He pulled a cat from behind the lecturn. “And I think you’re gonna find these little guys indispensible.” He held the dazed feline by the scruff of its neck. “Cats are an important first line of defense for your family and friends, and if you haven’t already, you might head down to VetsMart today and pick up a dozen or so.”
Fletch Kettlefish, back at his desk at The Bugle after starring in the 118th season of Possum, asked the question on everyone’s mind: “You mean cats are your only recommendation for addressing this major health disaster?”
“Potential disaster,” added another official, stepping to the mike quickly. “And they’re actually not our only recommendation. Bloodletting, flagellation and Jew-bashing have come a long way in the last six centuries.”
“What about modern, clinical approaches?” asked Beverly Koons, known socialist with ties to domestic terror groups like Condition Lavender. “Hasn’t anyone thought to use twenty-first century science instead of superstition?”
“I’m glad you asked that,” chirped Tim Bowman, epidemiologist and beaker salesman with the CDC. “We’re actually running tests of the infected man’s blood at the CDC and checking it with samples from the recent outbreak in Quagmire and simliar outbreaks in London 1665. So far the tests are inconclusive. But early results are encouraging. In just one day we’ve been able to grow an entire colony of plague cells capable of infecting, say, an area the size of Flubug.”
He turned to the seat beside him and rummaged about. “I actually have some samples with me this morning…”
He rummaged through his briefcase. “Where’s that petri dish I had with me?” More rummaging. “What do you mean ‘it’s not here’? I can see that! Where the hell is it???” More rummaging.
“Okay. Shit. We gotta find that thing. I mean …holy shit…. is that microphone still on??”
The press conference ended abruptly.
Three raccoons were seen leaving the scene during the commotion. Flubug Police detained a similar group of raccoons an hour later, but according to Dee Bowers, who had an unobstructed view of the press conference, “they weren’t the same ones who left the stage.” A wily possum was also seen at a nearby fence.
Anyone with information related to the mysterious raccoons or wily possum are urged to contact Blake Mosley at the Flubug Bureau of Investigation or leave town immediately under an assumed name. Questions about the plague man’s rumored release were deferred to the hospital’s legal team.