In a stunning move, seemingly timed to contrast with the ongoing hesitancy of Down County Supreme Court to take up the death penalty, Nailyard’s Court of No Appeals – an extralegal tribunal with no recognized authority – declared that crucifictions would resume on a limited basis starting on Friday (which ends a 700 year hiatus that many thought would last forever).
The ruling, made by Exalted Magistrate Luke “Billy Boy” Willadean, seems to have been made in the heat of passion as he passed sentence on Paulsy McGruder, a self-styled grifter found guilty of 84 counts of homicide in the torching of a nursing home for the blind. Leaning across the bench, clearly shaken (or high), “Billy Boy” – whose great aunt was burnt in the fire and had to move to Disfigure – shook his gavel at the defendent and said: “Hangin’s too good fer ya. And we ain’t about to go wrackin’ our brains for some ‘hu-mane’ way to off yer ass. So, I’m thinkin’ crucifiction.”
“Crucify him!” yelled the crowd, most of whom paid $6.00 in silver to watch the show. “Screw Down County!” – a reference to the Supreme Court’s de facto approval of A-1 Execution’s hanging demonstration. “We don’t need no bureaucrats tellin’ us how to kill scum like McGruder!”
“Get out the nails!”
McGruder’s attorney tried repeatedly to interject, citing case law after case law, and demanding a mistrial, but his pleadings were overpowered by the crowd. When the gavel went down, McGruder yelled into the mike, “Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do!” which only made the crowd angrier.
“Blasphemer!” “Jack Rabbit!” they cried, in reference to a passage in the Gospel of St. Harold which describes Jack’s temptation by The Dark One disguised as a one-eyed jack rabbit with the keys to a brothel (pg. 112, Book of Jack, sacred text of the Jahweh’s Church of Modern Day Interstellar Disciples).
With that, McGruder was dragged from the courtroom to a cell where he’ll await crucifiction next week in “Billy Boy’s” backyard during his annual fish fry. Entry to the fish fry/crucifiction is $10 in advance, $15 the day of the crucifiction. Parking is available on McGruder’s old lawn (next door). Hurry! Tickets limited.