SIBS, or Sudden Infant Birth Syndrome as it’s been coined by clinicians at the GYN/BYOB wing of the Center for Disease Control, is on the rise in Flubug and no one really knows why. This infant, hastily named Jack after the cocktail consumed by his father within seconds, appeared without notice in an empty crib at the couple’s home at 3:03am last night.
And the toddler’s grabbed their attention ever since.
“It’s a miracle!” said Judith Wickstrom, cradling the seven pound infant in her lightly soiled Ditch tee shirt. “One minute we were arguing about rent. The next minute I’m holding a baby boy in my arms. It’s a miracle! That’s what it is, a burning bush miracle!”
Her husband Bob, who claims he’ll ask Paps for a refund on the birth control pills he bought last month, was considerably more circumspect. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. It’s a miracle. But if I find the bastard who dumped this little bundle of joy in our crib, it’ll be a miracle if he lives!”
As with all SIBS cases, CDC clinicians were on hand to examine the child and surrounding grounds but have yet to develop a theory as to how the births are occurring.
“We had five in Hormel last week,” said Nikki Bartlett who heads the gynecological division with fellow CDC band members (and known perverts), Tim Bowman and Dean Wartti. “Sixteen in Disfigure. Talk about a couple ready to slit their wrists!” She scooped some drool from a half-gnawed swizzle stick laid in the crib as a toy. “There were four in Balto. Another three in Graphite Corners. Now this. That’s twenty-nine miraculous births since the summer. If this keeps up, I’m gonna need a raise.”
Of course, the CDC’s inability to determine a cause for the births hasn’t deterred locals from developing their own theories. “It’s all in The Book of Jack,” says Gramps McCauley who opened his first edition to reveal a page with dozens of scribbled pen marks. “The revised book, that is.” He winked while pointing to a paragraph in red.
“He who soevereth dwell in the Last End of All Compleat and Ne’er to Be Continued Days shall bear witness to Me and Such Things that wouldst heretofore be considereth Amazing…. [pen scrawl] “such as babies popping out of nowhere.” [end pen scrawl].
Others (mostly science-touting atheists) believe that graphite from the Flubug Caverns, known to have leeched into the water table since the cave was condemned, is responsible for the miraculous births. “We have no idea how the three to four pounds of graphite consumed each year by every man, woman and child in Flubug has affected our reproductive capabilities,” said Professor Langley, speaking off-record from the Balto College of Learning. “Look at the evolutionary oddities on display at the Poor Farm Family Fun Park. You can’t tell me eight foot dragonflies, thirty foot anacondas and whatever else they drag up from that Hole of Mystery are natural occurrences!”
The Wickstrom baby will be put on display for a small fee through Wednesday. After that, the child may be seen on eBay.