Breaking Bath? Epsom Salt Use Up 772%

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Epsom salts, once a harmless palliative for minor muscle aches, is now big business in Flubug. And it’s abuse is giving drug enforcement (and their friends in the meth industry) a headache bigger than the Shoe Polish Craze that swept the county in early ’92.

Sheriff Big Dog Ramsey“It’s cheap, accessible and easy to snort,” groused Sheriff Ramsey, gnawing on a wren outside Moxie’s. “And with ‘Albino Poo’ fetchin’ a C-note per gram, it’s no wonder the stuff is on fire. Who can afford the Villaneuva brother’s meth? I mean  …whoever sells it.”

Who indeed?

Certainly not the average Flubugger who’s lucky to make $680 a year. Certainly not the 82% without jobs. Or the 18% who have jobs but make less than $2.00 an hour. There’s no way they can afford methamphetamine.

But epsom salts cost only $2.99 …a pound.Dudes Guns ad

“$3.79 with tax,” corrects Euton “Dude” Holmes who’s added epson salts to his lineup of snortable incense, underage firearms, candy hypodermics and e-cigs.in the front counter. “And I could probably sell ’em for eight times the price. But I ain’t greedy. Hell, half my customers’ll be back for the firearms.”

That’s what concerns law enforcement.

“Look,” said Deputy Fish, who asked to remain anonymous. “With meth you never see the kinda firearm sales we’re seein’ with salts. Tweakers can’t afford a gun. ‘Salters’ can. And by the time they come back for that fifth bag o’ salt? They’re ready to do some real crime.”

Check N Pay adShorty found that out the hard way last week when two “salters” held up the Check N Pay and made off with $7.62 in cash, a case of HoHo’s and 14 bottles of 24-Hour Energy Rush. “I was just happy they didn’t have nail guns,” he said, remembering the incident that left three nails in his head. “Three I can live with. Any more than that I’d have to have surgery.”

Tran Minh Yee has had problems, too. “Yeah, yeah,” he said in reference to a recent incident. “‘Salters’ come. Take all ‘pliances. Eve’ything. Whole shop. Gone. Now insurance says not true. Is true! ‘Salters’ come. Stop at nothing! They crazy!”

According to Channel 7 News, epsom salt use has increased a whopping 774% in one year from a previously undocumented baseline. “All I know,” says Sheriff Ramsey, “is if this keeps up we’ll be in even worse shape next year.”

Sheriff Ramsey is up for re-election this November.

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