Botch-Free Executions?

A-1_Execution

A-1 Execution’s patented “Lift Neck” hoist.

After six botched executions, the courts – and Flubuggers themselves – have become leary of Brackwater Correctional Institution’s ability to carry out death sentences. Last June, Down County Supreme Court intervened after the stoning of a convicted library thief, Berne Kindley, went haywire. The stoning, which continued for three days due to Berne’s uncanny ability to twist his head, was only a portent of things to come .

A month later, The City of Nailyard attempted to execute a suspected Moslem with nailguns. The execution, which lasted 15 hours, resulted in a $495 tab for the city and left many wondering if there wasn’t a better way.

Not to be outdone, Shilltown attempted an execution on Christmas Eve, catapulting tripleWatersbad Canyon ad parking offender, John Billigan Housely, from the downtown Christmas tree onto the Miasma cliffs. Housley’s body was never recovered and officials remain divided on whether he died or was carried downstream to another jurisdiction.

In February, Poison Wells added its name to the list when they tossed two convicted homeless men into a well. A week later they could still be heard cursing wildly while demanding  rope.

Then last month, Vermouth attempted to drown convicted grape smuggler, Xero Mosticlianos, with a “pain cocktail” consisting of Nyquil, Mucinex and a six pack of Faust. Mosticlianos slept for eight hours and asked if he could return to his cell.

But now there may be a better way.

A-1 Executioners, a mobile execution outfit from Stateline, demonstrated their patented Lift Neck hoist on Saturday before an illustrious crowd which included Mayor Ornery, Sheriff “Big Dog” Ramsey, and dozens of Down County Court officials. The convicts, chosen at random from Brackwater’s backlog of death row inmates, were Jorge Chicaz (left), convicted of reporting a phony gas leak, and Ooli Mangiafrani, convicted of trying to escape the death penalty. Both were declared dead within 45 minutes, setting a new record for Flubug and all but ensuring A-1’s service will be in high demand in the months to come.

Sheriff Big Dog Ramsey“Let’s face it,” said Sheriff Ramsey, still beaming from the excitement, “this is light years ahead of any technology we’ve used until now and I don’t see how those bastards in Down County are gonna be able to shoot this one d- -…” His voice trailed as the Down County Magistrate stepped to the microphone.

“I have to say, it was an impressive demonstration,” the Magistrate said. “Maybe now city officials can carry out the simple task of following the peoples’ directives.”

The bodies will be on display outside the Flubug Skills Center through Wednesday (depending on the wind). Visitors are encouraged to park in back.

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One thought on “Botch-Free Executions?

  1. Pingback: Court Approves Limited Crucifictions | The Flubug Bugle

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