Conspiracy buffs, clustered mostly on Bradshaw’s Pike by the Take It ‘N’ Git Markit, claimed vindication today as hundreds of would-be shoppers (combing the trash in Founder’s Park) saw what many believe to be “chemtrails” high above Flubug’s Town Center (where Hizzoner’s office is housed).
Speaking on condition on anonymity, Tommy “Whaddayalookinat?” Gunther said the odd-looking trails were “a cinch to spot” and caught the eye of nearly everyone not bent over a trash can. But the message, in his words, “was garbled and impossible to read” (though he admitted to dyslexia and illiteracy).
But not everyone found the message garbled. Leighton “Laraboo” Washington, whose name has been circulated as a possible successor to Mayor Ornery in a run-off scenario, said frankly: “I think it’s an omen. You know, like the comet they talk about in the Tanwater Scrolls? It’s telling the mayor to get out and let someone else take the reins.”
Others, with less political motivation, agreed and said they too saw the “trails” as a sign. “They was chemtrails alright. And they was aimed straight at the mayor,” said Loo Ann Jenkins, estranged wife of Ferguson Jenkins, the Hell-And-Brimstone pastor of The Addition House of Prayer who plead guilty to six hundred counts of pandering last month. “You can’t be mayor for 41 years and think God’s not gonna get involved. It’s His way of servin’ a subpoena.”
In all, more than 200 sightings were reported. Some, like Fruit’s report that two identical chemtrails marked the sky, were immediately dismissed as the result of birth defects. Others, like Thomas “Low Ride”‘s claim that a “meteor” struck the side of the AC were sent to the Insurance Fraud Division of the Flubug Police Department (though the last insurance agent left Flubug in 1998).
But others, and indeed the sheer number of reports, were impossible to deny. The photo above was snapped by amateur photographer (and former Miss Flubug) Nikki Bartlett en route from a grueling day at the CDC with fellow epidemiologist Tim Bowman.”We were excited about hiding a new cure for cancer when we saw smoke over Town Hall. We figured it was another riot. So I got out my camera. But I never expected this. I feel like Zagruder!”
The mayor’s office had no immediate comment and hung up several times when they learned it was us. But Euton “Dude” Holmes, who owns Dude’s Guns off Pike and Eleven Mile, was ecstatic. “No one listened to us. They all said we was right wing loony tunes! Well, I guess the foot’s on the other shoe. Chemtrails is here an’ they’re real. And it ain’t just chemtrails. Them brainchilds at Beseech have been messin’ with the weather since Pook stuffed his first possum. It’s the Illiterati!”
The negatives were immediately flown to Blake Mosley, local Flubug Bureau of Intelligints Station Chief and rabid Ornery supporter, who gained notoriety in the ’80’s when he coined the campaign slogan “Who else ya gonna vote for?”
We caught up with him outside his office in Stateline.
“We won’t know the truth ’till we’ve had a chance to edit these negatives,” he said, unbuttoning his suit to reveal a.45 automatic. “But I promise you, if we learn anything The Bugle will be the first to know.”