Wren Reduction Wreak Riots

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Mayor Ornery addressed an unsympathetic crowd this morning with a call to end the violence that shook City Hall last night and a renewed commitment to “get on with the job of putting Flubuggers back to work.” Addressing the unrest that sent 75 people searching Flubug General and 64 searching for ways to make bail, Ornery claimed “Nailyard wren profiteers” were behind the (precedented) melee and promised to arrest the ringleaders.Balto College of Learning ad

“Violence has never been the way Flubug solves our problems,” he said, thanking police for their “unwarranted [sic] professionalism”  “We solve our problems by rolling up our sleeves!”

The crowd was unmoved.

“Where would we be if Socrates Johnson gave up because he didn’t get a wren?”

“He ran out of gas!” came a voice from the crowd.

“Where would we be if Pook Jefferson never made his trek north?”

“He ran away from slave owners!”

“Where would we be if hunger stopped Crotch Johnson from winning the Great Race?”

hope-faydz-blog-ad“It was rigged!” came a cry that sounded almost like Hope Faydz.

Then the mayor outlined his new wren reduction policy to “ease the pain” of an abrupt end to benefits, set to begin this Christmas Eve. The new policy, which he claimed had been sidelined by “partisan bickering,” would phase in reductions over time – “at least until after Christmas” – and come with a pledge to “find more of the little bastards, wherever they’re hiding.” He smiled at the cameras and left without answering questions.”

But the crowd wasn’t happy. “Where’s your burrito?” they cried. “How many wrens did you eat today?”

Then a chorus broke out and the crowd picked up the refrain. “Whadda we want?” “A f***in’ wren!” “When do we want it?” “NOW!” “Whadda we want?” “A f***in’ wren!” “When do we want it?” “NOW!”

Police moved in with riot gear and batons. The crowd shoved back shouting “Death to Ornery!” and “Dooley Lives!”

Gunships (on loan from Beseech Academy) circled overhead. Tear gas canisters dropped from the sky as rioters fought with police. Several unsubstantiated reports of looting were made by shop owners along Main Street, most notably Tran Minh Yee who claimed $500,000 in goods had been looted from his appliance store.Tran Minh Yee

“They take everything!” claimed Yee, who refused to let reporters past the front door. “Big screens, Blu-Rays. Was like herd of locusts!”

Within an hour the violence was contained and all that remained were a few burning cars and a trampled poster of Ornery For Mayor.

But the rage has yet to be contained.

Before yesterday, six lucky C.A.M. package recipients found wrens in their allotments each week. Today it’s unclear if wrens will ever be included in future packages, especially at ten bucks a throw, which we’re told (by Nick Carz) is the going price. Yet, even at ten bucks a throw, Mayor Ornery might find he price more agreeable than the price now circulating for his head.

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