The Crossley Senior Center announced a winner in its decade-long “Find The Wheelchair” sweepstakes which began in 2003. The wheelchair, which never left the main lobby, was discovered by owner, Jonus Crossley, who admitted in a hastily conducted press conference, that he was “just tired of waiting for the [elderly residents] to find the damn thing.”
“No matter how many times I told them, the old goats never seemed to realize we were running a contest.. let alone the sixteen bedroom home we were giving away.” He paused to point an asthmatic senior to a restroom and threw up his hands in disgust “See what I mean?” …ah, just pee on the floor. No one’ll notice.”
The wheelchair’s discovery brings to a close the county’s longest (and least advertised) contest and adds a much-needed wheelchair to the nursing home’s inventory which, at last count, included three beds, a gurney and a card table. It also raises troubling questions about the sweepstakes’ legality and the owner motives in running the contest.
T.T.Turnbull, the thumbless vet who led the Poor Farm revival, claims he never heard of the contest when he committed his aunt last year. “Never heard a peep. If ya ask me, the whole thing was a scam to get Crossley a free house! He’s got everyone so doped up in there they can’t even see the walls.”
And T.T.’s not alone. Babs Stricklen, known socialist and convicted elder care assistant, agrees with Turnbull and says the facility should be condemned as a health hazard. “The place is infested with rats! The only reason the residents don’t leave is ’cause Crossley took out all the exit signs.”
Stricklen maintains Crossely was behind the recent DEA raid on a Balto hospice, planned – in her words – “to quash the competition.” The raid, which drew fire from senior buffs around the county, netted four valium, a percocet, two darvon and a mahogany cane.
Yet Crossley shrugs off criticism. “Look,” he told reporters. “We held a contest to raise the old folks’ spirits. We made it easy to win so everyone would have a chance. Can I help it if these mummies don’t know a wheelchair from a garden hose?”
The Crossleys plan to move into their palatial estate this January when, Crossley jokes, “the tax laws will be a bit more lenient.” A follow-up contest is planned for February.
First prize is rumored to be a 160-foot yacht.