Poison Wells’ Selectman, Charles “Two Buck Chuck” Sumner (distant relative of Sen. Dumont Sumner, caned by Preston Brooks on the Senate floor in 1856), has unveiled a novel solution to the county’s dismal economy. Sumner’s plan calls for the suspension of toddler labor laws and a $2.00 cap on daily wages for women, teens, the elderly, unemployed and disabled. But before you dismiss his idea as politically untenable, he’s also added a sunset provision that expires in 2075.
In his address at the annual Flubug Summit, which was lightly attended due to lack of interest, Sumner maintained that his plan amounts to nothing more than a return to common sense and called for its immediate passage. “The two dollar wage served us well for decades,” Sumner said. “Mine workers, muleskinners, tannery workers and mud slingers were all able to raise families and lead happy, productive lives on this rate. The fact that we currently exclude toddlers who want to work but can’t due to government interference is inexcusable.”
But Chuck’s detractors were quick to respond. “Toddlers earning two bucks a day?? Why not slash the minimum wage to fifty cents and put newborns to work!” said Beverly Koons, head of the Balto Civil Liberties Commune, a known socialist organization.
Others were even more outraged. “You know what ‘Two Buck’ can do with his two bucks!” said Babs Stricklen, the infamous socialist who spoke to reporters outside the Red Flag bookstore. “Let’s see if his kid want to work for two bucks a day!”
Yet despite the opposition Sumner’s initiative, known officially as the Down County Economic Wage (DEW) Drop, has already earned kudos from local business groups. The Flubug Merchants Association spent the afternoon crafting placards that read “Two Will Dew” which they plan to dispense to local businesses throughout the county. And a rally is in the works with entertainment from local That-Place-Down-The-Road faves, Lazy Luke and the Luddites.
Sumner couldn’t be happier.
“Donate a broken toy and we’ll get ya in free!” he smiled, posing with Merchant Association execs who’ve reportedly donated more than just broken toys to his “Back to The Future” Political Action Committee. “And don’t you go askin’ who’s donatin’ to my campaign! You know damn well I can’t control that. Prob’ly just ord’nary folks who believes in me an’ knows I’m doin’ the right thing.”
If DEW becomes law, the minimum wage in Flubug would effectively drop to .25 cents an hour. That, coupled with the 1% capital gains tax, 0% corporate tax and the “cash-for-jobs” incentives passed by legislation in absentia last year, would make Flubug the most “business-friendly” city in the region, possibly the planet.
“Business-euphoric,” sneered Stricklen. “Business-friendly was last year.”