As if the incentives aren’t sweet enough, recruiters at Flubug’s Army Recruitment Center at Flubug High will begin offering Karzai action figures to volunteers who sign up for active duty between now and April 15th.
This newest incentive, which promoters hope will prep recruits for the vagaries of Afghan politics, was conceived by General Albert Sloan (Ret.) as a public relations ploy in his failed bid to become viceroy of Kandahar. His bid for a fiefdom may have failed, but he firmly believes the sixty-five thousand figurines in his basement can still serve a worthwhile purpose.
“Let’s face it,” Sloan explains. “With the situation in Afghanistan, it’s more important than ever to show these guys why we’re there, show ’em that we’ve got the support. And we do! The Brits, a coalition of forty-two Polish volunteers, that regiment of Peruvian interns hardened by life in the Andes foothills. And, most of all, we’ve also got Karzai, the guy who single-handedly represents the entire democratic government of Afghanistan. I think my action figures say it all.”
But that assessment, according to Jasper Koons, suspected socialist and Professor Emeritus at Balto’s College of Southern Munitions, may be a bit far-fetched. “The only thing Sloan’s got right is the fact that he’s hawkin’ a puppet. Karzai doesn’t represent the Afghan people. He doesn’t even represent the government. He represents Karzai. The guy’s bought and paid for by the CIA. The whole war’s an excuse to take over the poppy fields. Any idiot could see that!”
Others aren’t so quite cynical. “War’s hell,” says Walter Rennick, who served in Grenada a year after the invasion and worked as an administrative clerk at Anderson Air Force Base in Guam until he was disabled by a paper cut. “But this war has nothing to do with poppies. It’s about atheist, bomb-totin’ terrorist foreigners, and if these Karzai dolls will ‘take out’ even one ragtop, I say go for it. God knows I’d go if I could.”
The dolls, which replicate “the most chic man in the world,” come with Karzai’s jaw-dropping astrakhan hat and embroidered kahlat, and are available in two traditionally dyed Afghan colors. Accessories are also available, says Sloan. “For a few extra bucks these guys can get turbans, pakols, tumbaans, payraans―any one of a dozen accessories to fit whatever battle plan or province they’re in. It’s a great way to learn about the country you’re invading. Hell, if we’d had action dolls of the Nazis we mighta caught more of ’em ‘fore they made their way to the States.”
The most unique feature though, is the Karzai dolls’ ability to talk. By pulling a drawstring in the doll’s neck, recruits can hear insightful quotes from Karzai himself…like: “Life without liberty is worse than death,” “This fight against terrorism will go on for some time,” and the ever-popular, “Individuals are all around us and we continue to look for them.”
The action figures will be offered to all who enlist through April 15th and are limited to supplies on hand.