Down County has always had its share of raccoons. They tip over garbage cans, claw through tightly-sealed trash bags and relieve themselves in unlocked vehicles. They’ve also been known to chase elderly citizens for medication. But despite their well documented pilferage, raccoons have always pilfered alone.
It appears now that raccoons are pooling their efforts in aggressive new gangs, many sporting tattoos. These “gangs,” according to Johan Isthmus, Professor Arthritis at Beseech Academy, have launched “an unprecedented attack” on the City of Flubug and its environs.
Dorothy Plath, author of The Bell Jug and co-owner of a cooperative mobile home development in Graphite Corners, claims she was “driven from her double wide” last night by a gang of raccoons who came at her “from all sides.”
“I just boiled the wren we were lucky enough to git with our weekly C.A.M. package, when four raccoons lunged at me. They snatched the wren, made off with my roadside salad and ransacked the medicine chest for narcotics. They even chased me down the road when they was done!”
Dorothy’s story isn’t unique.
Gangs of raccoons have been cited in at least a dozen robberies and shakedowns in the last few weeks and Sheriff Ramsey isn’t waiting for the next round of attacks to take action.
“A.R.F. will be responsible for infiltrating raccoon gangs, however possible, and bringing these scofflaws to justice. If I were a member of the Ringtail Boyz or Graphite Tartz, I’d think carefully before planning my next crime. This Administration, and indeed the victims who’ve been terrorized by these feral pranksters, have no tolerance for further shenanigans.”
Yet even as the mayor spoke, his chair was swiped, revealing a spray painted tag on the podium. The tag read “Ringtail Boyz.”