Gramps McCauley, owner and proprietor of Gramp’s Antiques in the Flubug Turnaround, isn’t taking any chances. The sixty-nine year,-old one-time Copper Gloves boxing champ is convinced that this is the “End Month” and many in his congregation at the Church of Modern Day Interstellar Disciples agree.
Citing a spike in “alien chatter,” quotes from the denomination’s Book of Jack and a recent paper by Filbert “Doc” Robbie that claims that Mayans failed to account for leap year, Gramps is convinced he’s right.
“Laugh if you want. They laughed at Noah, too. But they’re comin’. I hear ‘em ever’ night on these satellite dishes. And it ain’t pigeon droppings like some folks ‘round here is sayin.’ Jack was right. They’s comin’ and they’s comin’ soon!”
“Jack,” as most Flubuggers know, is Jack Baker who founded Jahweh’s Church of Modern Day Interstellar Disciples in 1937 after receiving six “new gospels” which he later incorporated into “The Book of Jack.” Though later proclaimed schizophrenic, Baker had a profound impact on his followers who maintain to this day that extraterrestrial couriers will usher them to a rare tet-a-tet with the Almighty.
For years members have disagreed on the precise date of “The Usherance,” but with Robbie’s new calculations much of that debate has been sidelined. In fact, those calculations are so precise he can give you the exact time and date. “11:23pm (EST) on April 24th,” he says with assurance. “That’s the day I close my practice at the Illiad Wellness Center and meet my creator.”
That gives Gramps and others in the congregation little time to prepare. “I called GEPCO, contacted Social Security and got a years supply of Kibbled Bones fer my dog. The way I see it, I’ll be chattin’ it up wit’ the Almighty in jus’ two weeks.”
Jack Baker’s son, Hasbro, who currently runs the church, declined to comment on this story.