Divers in submersibles obtained by the Overmeyer Oceanic and Meteorological Society in a subs-for-hostages deal brokered by the Villaneuva brothers stumbled across a wreckage that looks eerily like the Titanic at the bottom of Tanwater Lake. The wreckage, which lies six miles beneath the surface, has many of the same characteristics known to have graced the doomed ocean liner including the spiral staircase, signature chandelier and a damaged lifeboat with the phrase “Ismay’s a pussy” scrawled across the stern.
More puzzling still was the fact that Flublue, our inimitable county mascot, was on deck to greet the submersibles as they arrived.
“It really shook us,” said Captain Filbert Blisserbee, hired by the Villeneuva brothers to protect their investment. “Here we was, six miles down in the here-to-fore unchartered, fry-eezin’ waters… and we sees this blue thing.. just a-why-vin’ at us from the deck. I daresay it was a bit un-NERV-in, if ya catch my drift.”
But scientists at the Overmeyer O.M.S. were far less concerned with Flublue’s well-known antics (he was once pulled from the Hole of Mystery in a carp costume) than the inexplicable transfer of the wreckage site which, until now, had been confidently placed in the North Atlantic.
“Ya gotta admit,” said Steven Owling, lead investigator for the Tanwater Archeological Exploits Division of the Overmeyer O.M.S. “The fact that Titanic is in Tanwater Lake is very unusal. I mean.. it’s a lake! It’s fed by runoff from fracking in the surrounding mountains that filter through the Miasma Rapids. There’s no way a ship the size of Titanic could have been this far off course!”
But it’s beginning to look like Captain Smith was further off course than anyone could have imagined. If so, he may have created the “iceberg incident” as a cover for his own ineptitude. At least that’s the view of Gertrude Bartholomew, Professor Emeritus at Beseech Academy who’s written a book on the incident entitled, A Night to Forget.
“Smith was on his final journey,” claims Bartholomew. “and by all accounts he was completely wasted when his first mate informed him that the ship had run aground in the Miasma Rapids. Realizing Titanic was a good 2,000 miles off course, he did the only thing he could think of: he threw the ice from his cocktail on deck and declared that the ship had struck an iceberg.”
Asked to explain the eyewitness accounts from survivors who saw the iceberg, Bartholomew claims: “Smith realized his story would come under scrutiny. So he had the crew shine a spotlight on the Miasma cliffs alongside the ship. The bright light perfectly mimicked an iceberg and, combined with the ice he threw on deck, was more than enough proof for the confused passengers.”
But not everyone is buying Bartholomew’s line. “Beseech Academy is famous for pumping out hacks who undermine society by rewriting history,” insists Beatrice McGowan, part-time librarian at the Watersbad School for the Blind. “Titanic struck an iceberg on April 12, 1912. That much is fact. It sank in the North Atlantic. That’s fact, too. Now, why it’s sitting at the bottom of a lake in Flubug is anyone’s guess. I personally think Mayor Ornery and the Villaneuva brothers have something to do with it. But whatever the reason, the notion that Captain Smith invented an “iceberg incident” to mask his ineptitude is nuts.”
The Overmeyer O.M.S. plans a series of dives through the summer to verify, once and for all, if the wreck is the Titanic. Curiosity seekers are urged to park at the south end of the east entrance to the Miasma Rapids near the Tinwawa Gift Shop.