In the latest round of budget cuts, Flubug School Commissioner, Ernst Warbler, announced today that the entire senior year at Flubug High will be put on hold next year, adding that “seniors who complete the current semester will be mailed their diplomas.” The cuts, though draconian, affect only ten seniors (provided they haven’t dropped out by now) and came as welcome news to the juniors we found smoking hashish outside the handball courts.
But not everyone was thrilled with the decision.
Rebecca Koons, known socialist and creationist debunker with alleged ties to the county library, asked the Commissioner :”What kind of message does this send? What’s next? Cancelling high school altogether?”
“Actually,” the Commissioner replied. “There has been talk of cancelling high school… not ‘cancelling’ per se, but combining it with, say, middle school. I mean, twelve grades? If you check the jobs available in Flubug, I’d say seven grades is more than sufficient.”
Sadly, the Commissioner is right. According to statistics by Carson’s Car Service (open most days from eight til noon in the Flubug “Fishtail”), more than 94% of Flubug’s high school students never graduate. “I see them every day,” says Carson, whose statistical background consists mainly of making change and using a calculator. “And they ain’t in school neither, I can tell you that!”
Carson, himself a dropout, went on to say. “These kids have no reason to stay in school. The only jobs we got are in the meth industry, and those jobs are going to younger kids who can’t go to prison. It’s a Catch-23!” he cried, confusing the ground-breaking novel by Joseph Heller with T.T. Turnbull’s alleged trout catch last summer.
Yet in some ways Carson may be more prescient than he intended. The student population at Flubug High was twenty-three fifteen minutes ago. What it will be in a half hour is anyone’s guess. Small wonder there’s talk of cutting the budget. But if Flubug High discontinues it’s senior year, one thing’s for certain…
We’ll all be in a Catch-23.