The Tour duh Flubug turned tragic this evening as Knowe How Yee, desperate to regain his lead, tried to cross the boiling Miasma in his rice-powered Some Terrain Vehicle. The vehicle, which proved no match for the boiling rapids, was last seen cartwheeling toward Dead Man’s Turn, a frothing torrent strewn with rocks that’s known to reach temperatures of 190 degrees. Reports are still sketchy as to whether Yee or his navigator, Don’t Knowe How Yee, survived the ill-fated crossing, but the section they chose represents the most dangerous segment of the river, leaving many to wonder if they were qualified for the race or just goaded into entering by their dad, Tran Minh Yee.
But Yee hasn’t been the only entrant plagued by the raging Miasma. Hope Faydz, who only yesterday took the lead, boasting that her navigator, Miasma-born Wren, knew “every inch” of the terrain, found her “Violet Fem” mired in mud several miles north of Yee’s ill-conceived crossing. Her vehicle, located in a trench near the rapids by piranha fisherman Johnny Riva, had the plates and VIN numbers removed, prompting Buddy Willis to conclude that the vehicle had indeed been stolen from his lot. Police, who arrived at the scene much later, claimed the interior showed “definite signs of a struggle” and that the steering wheel had been “ripped from its housing.”
Who knows what went on in their desperate attempt to cross the Miasma?
It also appears Fruit’s Compostinator is out of the running. The Compostinator, which many thought was the most promising of this year’s sorry entrants, was found late this afternoon upside down in Watersbad Canyon. Gone were the bushels of produce Fruit so proudly displayed as the race began on Main Street. Gone too was Fruit, who many believe has taken to the road in a desperate attempt to win this race.
Another entrant, TC Mercado, lost control of his tri-plane yesterday over Vermouth when his co-pilot fell from the craft in a foolish attempt to grab a Faust from the back seat. The plane landed safely in a stunted grape field in Vermouth.
In another development, Hoot Sorghum, thought by most to be well on his way to the South Pole by now, was spotted shooting across the night sky over Rilesville. The sighting, confirmed by several patrons at the Drunken Dagger, means that Hoot may yet be in this race, though where he might end up is still speculation. Odds maker Nick Carz is giving 4:1 Hoot lands outside the county in an attempt to recoup his recent losses on Faydz.
But there is someone doing well in this race and that’s Crotch Johnson. Johnson, son of Flubug legend Socrates “Scotch” Johnson and author of the acclaimed memoir, Burnin’ Rubber, was indeed living up to his reputation today as he sailed well past the Miasma and on into Tanwater State Park on Route 16. We caught up with him at the Tanwater’s Ranger Station where he was dining on a carp nuggets as if he didn’t have a care in the world.
“How did you possibly cross the Miasma?” we asked, stunned that he could seem so nonchalant. Crotch just smiled and set his napkin down by his robin soup. “It was easy, boys. I crossed in my ’74 FMC Charlatan and just pulled my car across with a rope!”
With that kind of ingenuity, don’t be surprised if Crotch pulls off the biggest coup of his lifetime!