Great Race Day Two!


The promenade that sauntered so gracefully up Main Street and around the Flubug Turnaround yesterday lost all sense of decorum when they got to the proposed site for Pencil Place and delighted crowds as they took off at a maniacal pace for all points south.

From that point on it was every man for himself!

Crotch Johnson

Crotch, whose motorcar (above) is an exact replica of the car driven by his dad, Scotch “Socrates” Johnson, who died tragically in a hemlock grove, took an early lead, leaving many to believe he’d take the coveted Tour duh Flubug Cup again this year.

Tran Minh Yee

But Yee’s “Bargain Blender” proved not to be quite the slouch his horse was in the Specimen Cup last year. At the Specimen Cup, Yee’s horse, “Stove Sold Cheap,” was so laden with advertising the beast collapsed at the third rail and had to be shot.

This time Yee seems to have learned his lesson, though he insists “Blender still good way to get people like us on Facebook.” His best shot at winning the race is perhaps his driver, Knowe How Yee, his firstborn who’s worked around gadgetry his whole life. The lad, the oldest of fifteen children at fourteen, built the vehicle from scratch and designed its unique “rice-powered” engine which boasts highway speeds of up to 28mph in a good gust. It also does very well downhill, which might account for its good showing in the downhill race to Hormel today.


Another early contender was Fruit’s unusual entry, “The Compostinator” which runs entirely on rotting fruit. Odds maker, Nick Carz, at Louis the 14th offered a whopping 23:1 that the one-time sex offender would “never make it past Stateline.” But the “Salmonella King” proved Nick wrong this afternoon (which could cost him dearly when he returns). Not only did Fruit make it past Stateline (the Flubug equivalent of Drake’s Passage), he never succumbed to irresistible siren songs blasted from the Tres Frais‘ P.A system. Taking a page from the timeless classic, Jason and the Argonauts, Fruit jammed his ears with candle wax and circumnavigated the entire Stateline leg of the journey in under an hour.

Sorry, Nick. Better luck next time.


But even The Compostinator was unable to keep up with Hoot Sorghum’s jet-engine entry. The rocket-like vehicle, “Powered by Carson” (who owns the worst car service in town) sped like a lightning bolt through Hormel, terrorizing livestock and setting sixteen bales of hay on fire. Even Hormel’s irate farmers were unable to catch the craft as it shot past Stateline with Hoot’s voice in doppler yelling: “How do you stop this sonofabitch????” Early reports say he may have overshot the track.

Wait. This just in. Hoot’s craft has been spotted over Turgid County, a good 400 miles off course. It may still qualify for the Tour duh Turgid Race which was shamelessly scheduled for today.


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